12 (Hundred) Step Breakup Recovery Program

Dearest Blog Reader,

Before I delve into my twelve hundred step foolproof break-up recovery program here (found in my book entitled “Twelve Hundred Steps: The Prequel to Twelve Hundred More Steps), I’d like to begin by lecturing from the first chapter of my book, “The Six Stages of Breakup.” Here you will find outlined the six classic stages of break-up. At the culmination of this chapter, which happens somewhere after the middle of the chapter and prior to the beginning of the second chapter, you will be able to identify a) the five stages of breakup, and b) your current break-up stage (if you have not gone through a break-up objective b) does not apply to you and you can go to Hello look at the time we must move on).

Stage 1: Denial (Days 5-7 post-breakup)
This first stage is particularly blissful. This is where you deny the break-up and continue to contact The Ex as if nothing has happened. Activities may include phoning, emailing, and/or kissing The Ex, while denying that the love underlying the kissing is no longer reciprocated by The Ex.

Stage 2: Grieving (Day 8 post-breakup)
This is the stage where you give yourself exactly one day to cry and mourn the loss of The Ex. At this stage, you may find yourself reading old emails while eating Ben and Jerry’s cookie dough ice cream while watching a sappy movie where one or both lovers dies a tragic and hopefully excruciating death (Titanic and Romeo and Juliet are acceptable choices) while drinking copious amounts of beer while reading a Jane Austen novel while calling and bawling to each and every friend on your cell phone contact list who is brave enough to pick up. You know you’re in the grieving stage when you are engaging in all of the above activities simultaneously.

Stage 3: Date Everyone on Planet Earth (Weeks 2-4 post-breakup)
You may be in this stage if a) you’re dating everyone on planet earth or b) you plan on it. This is where you attempt to find a suitable mate to distract from your loss of the old mate. In this stage, you may even feel the need to look beyond planet earth to find other mates in the galaxy who are available for dating purposes. You may focus your search on androids; that is, robots made by humans and for humans who look human but whom you can program to be successful mates.

Stage 4: Hide the Evidence (Day 31 post-beakup)
This is the stage where you see fit to burn and/or shred the reminders of The Ex. If your only reminders are emails, this is the stage where you burn your computer and buy a new one. This is an expensive stage.

Stage 5: Illusion of Happiness (Week 6 post-breakup)
This is the stage where it is no longer acceptable to live in a state of utter despondence (and your friends have all changed their numbers and/or entered the witness protection program to conceal themselves from your tears). This is where you tell yourself and others that you are completely over it, and deny any behaviors to the contrary. If you inadvertently begin to cry, you convince yourself that your tears are completely unrelated to The Ex, and are actually a manifestation of your sadness over world hunger or the war in Iraq.

Stage 6: Acceptance (Week 7 post-breakup)
At this stage you may find yourself feeling happy. Do not be alarmed by this foreign feeling. If you need to ease your transition into happiness, try smashing your finger in a door so that some amount of physical pain replaces the emotional pain to which you had become accustomed. Accept that you no longer need Ben or Jerry to provide you with happiness.

And so, Loyal Blog Reader, please refer to the pop quiz on the following page to assess your understanding of the above information before proceeding to Chapter 2. Since this is a blog and there is no Chapter 2, please send me your check or money order to pre-order an advance copy of my exclusive breakup book. If you order now you will receive a free copy of “Titanic” and your very own pint of Ben and Jerry (or whomever is available to be eaten). Operators are standing by to take your call. You will be unable to order by email, as it is most unfortunate that my computer was recently burned and I cannot currently receive emails.

-Troi out

One Response

  1. Jason Says:

    I’d like to buy one of your books. I’ll pay you in Ben and Jerry ice cream :p

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