Trekkychick

Rule #1: Know Your Bait–Oops, I mean MATE

There are several classic male types with whom you will come into contact during your online dating experience. For your convenience, I classify the primary types here.

1) The Illusionist

The Illusionist boasts a nice profile, replete with humor, decent pics, and allusions to his being considered a “southern gentleman” by his friends. You are excited to meet him because he seems so gosh darn pleasant, well-meaning, and levelheaded. When you meet in person (which we will now refer to by the acronym MIP), all images from the profile disappear and *poof* in its place appears an awkward, creepy, perverted man who, for a “southern gentleman” swears like a mother…..would not approve of.

2) The One Who’s Been Screwed Over One Too Many Times

When you show up to MIP, this one (who we’ll refer to simply as Screwed) exclaims, “You actually showed up!” This is not a good sign. When you sit down, he instantly launches into a diatribe about why he has not had success in online dating, placing all responsibility on the WOMEN. He insists that women are looking for “prince charming” and due to our unrealistic expectations, we are immediately disappointed by him and don’t give him a chance. My thoughts on the matter are that we don’t give Screwed a chance due to his sleep-inducing monotone, high-pitched voice, and raging diatribe against the very gender he is trying to lure. Don’t bite the lips that you’re hoping will kiss you….

3) The Desperate Old Guy

The Desperate Old Guy, who we’ll refer to henceforth by the acronym DOG, is 45 and searching for women who are 18-35. The DOG thinks he can actually get this. Do not by any means feed this preposterous notion and do not MIP with the DOG.

4. The Stalker

The Stalker winked at you last week. He winked at you this week. He has sent you fourteen emails to convey that match.com thinks you are a 97% match. You have never felt stronger that 3% makes a huge difference. If you MIP with The Stalker, you will have to immediately enter the WPP (witness protection program).

5) The Normal Guy

The Normal Guy is handsome, intelligent, funny, thoughtful, employed, and by all intents and purposes would make an excellent partner. You will probably not be attracted to the Normal Guy.

I hope that Rule #1 will help you, women of the world (henceforth to be referred to by the acronym WOW), to filter through some of the online men of the world. It is my hope that my male counterpart may suggest similar guidelines for the men of the world (MOWs).

I would like to take this opportunity to respond to a post Asses by my male counterpart (see right for a glimpse of said male counterpart’s ruggedly handsome countenance).

If I may be so bold as to point out that I am female, and as I occasionally find behind me an ass (no, not the Ex, I mean that which is actually attached to me), I find myself at least somewhat fit to respond to e. lucas’ comments regarding the female buttocks.

I agree with many of e. lucas’ fashion suggestions for we females who are fashion-famished. Why, just the other day I was lamenting the lack of bocks and man booty jeans at Saks Fifth Avenue* that would so efficiently do the job that gravity and mother nature will be doing in a few years anyway. Why oh why, I thought to myself as I gazed adoringly at my backside through the six-way dressing room mirror, have I been cursed with these shapely (but which shape I won’t divulge–could be triangular, could be octagon) buttocks?!”

But I have yet to connect these shapely buttocks with my female fertility, a correlation so elegantly attempted by e. lucas. Last time I checked, we didn’t bear children from our asses.

But who knows. It’s been several years since I took Anatomy and Physiology. And my A was dangerously close to an A-. Maybe I missed the lesson on the physiology of the female buttocks. Yes, now that I think about it, I believe that lesson was entitled: “Little Known Uses of the Female Butt: Sometimes, babies pop out of it!” And I was absent that day.

Looking for man booty jeans to hide my shapely figure.

*Actually it was Ross. But Saks Fifth Avenue makes me sound more ritzy.

Women of the world: If you look back to my first blog, you will see that my mission is dedicated entirely to you. That’s right, this is the voyage of Troi as the Relationship Enterprise explores strange new men, seeks out these new men and their lack of civilization, and boldly goes where no woman has gone before!

Online.

And I’m doing it…….for you.

If Space was the final frontier 42 years ago, Online is the final frontier of today. If you, like me, understand that all you need to know in life can be learned from Star Trek, you’ll find that even as far back as the original series, characters had to span galaxies to find decent mating partners. Today, we span world wide webs.

**Please refer to my breakup blog phase 3: Date everyone on Planet Earth, for a personal testimony of how one (me) may hypothetically (actually) arrive at the point (despair) when the internet (online personals sites) appears to have more (>.000001%) dating potential than the outside world (where The Ex lives).

Anyway, women of the world: I am here to tell you, the internet is not to be feared as the foreground of freaks but rather to be embraced as a place of potential procreation (the procreation of relationships, get your mind out of the gutter!)

However, it would be remiss if I allowed you, women of the world, to navigate the nuances of the net without a proper guide.

Let me guide you.

The three blogs that will follow comprise a three-part self-help series designed to enhance your online dating experience, weeding out the wacks (or if need be, wacking the ones that are weeds). Four out of five dental hygienists recommend reading my blogs before pursuing your romantic future online. And one former insane asylum patient raves:

“Troi is an online dating genius! If only I had read Troi’s self-help series extraordinaire, I would probably never have ended up in this insane asylum! For life! Get me out of here, I want another chance at dating now that I’ve read Troi’s brilliant suggestions! HELP ME……”

Wow! If that doesn’t convince you, women of the world, of my skills as an online dating guide, I don’t know what will!

At any rate, please continue to check back for these invaluable (and by invaluable I mean they are not valuable at all) tips for the online dating trade. A wise man once said that he chose to take the path less traveled by, and that it made all of the difference. If you read my blogs, I guarantee that you will be reading the blogs less traveled to and far less read.

That will make all of the difference.

Good or bad….I can’t say.

-Troi out

Who among us doesn’t love a good credityes.com commercial? Sometimes you’re just in the mood for one. For example, have you ever had one of those days when you’re just starting to feel okay about your life, and then a credityes.com commercial comes on the radio and makes you want to drive your car over the closest cliff just to stop the bad noise? Now that’s good advertising!

I personally think radio commercials for online dating should follow suit. Close your eyes, and picture it….

“Hi, bad dater Steve! Why are you so down?”

“Hi Stacey! I want to buy a new date, but nobody will date me! What can I do?”

“Don’t fear, bad dater Steve! I just joined matchyes.com and now boys are competing for my business! Even though I have terrible dating history and I’m not asthetically pleasing to the naked eye in any way! You should join matchyes.com and girls will compete for your business, too!”

“Thanks Stacey! But isn’t that called prostitution??”

“Don’t be silly, bad dater Steve! With matchyes.com, everybody pays an equal amount to search for potentially pleasing partners! And you can search from the convenience of your own home computer! No more driving around wasting high-priced gas!”

“That sounds great, Stacey! Because I got into a lot of trouble the last time I was caught with a prostitute! I’ll join matchyes.com right away and start searching for the perfect legally available mate!”

It’s catchy right? I’m still fleshing out the details, but I think that then the deep-voiced announcer would close the commercial with: “Bad dates? No dates? No problem! Everybody gets a date at matchyes.com!”

I’m going to go market my idea right now before you steal it from me.

-Troi out

I’ve always boycotted Valentine’s Day in good fun. Coercing couples into spending unnecessary money on unnecessary gifts, commercializing what should be private and intimate, and presuming that a partner cannot be relied upon to choose his or her own day to shower a loved one with affection.

(Although some partners cannot. I won’t name names here. I would use a pseudonym but for the children in the audience.)

After a break-up, I find that while I still boycott Valentine’s Day, it’s not so much in good fun. I now contend not only all of the above, but also that Valentine’s Day discriminates against single people. That’s right. We live in a society where I could get shot dead for uttering “Merry Christmas” so I want to make it clear that if you so much as whisper “Happy Valentine’s Day” in my general direction I won’t think twice about piercing you through the heart with Cupid’s arrow.

(Being a nonviolent person, I will use a small plastic arrow that won’t actually break the skin and will probably just bounce off of you. But I think you’ll get the message loud and clear.)

At any rate, regardless of the reasons, I find the imminent threat of this exploitive day of pathetic romantic superfluousness encroaching on my calm. The extinction of my surface calm, revealing the anti-cupid icy interior, took only a second grade student. The brutal dialogue follows:

Student: “Ms. Troi, when are we making hearts for Valentine’s Day for your board?”

Me: “There are snowmen and gingerbread men on the board. I’d rather not take them down.”

Student: “But you need to take them down to make room for the pink and red hearts for Valentine’s Day!

Me: “No, we’ll just keep the gingerbread men and snowmen up. It’s still winter.”

Increasingly Annoying Student: “But why can’t we make hearts and put them up instead in honor of Valentine’s Day?”

Me: “Look, kid, if it’s pink, or if it’s in the shape of a heart, it ain’t going on that white board! If you absolutely insist on drawing and coloring a heart, then be my guest, but we’re not posting it on the white board, it’s either gotta leave the room when you do or it’s going straight to the recycling bin! This is my office, and I have to look at that damn* white board when you leave, and I’m not looking at any pink hearts! Now I absolutely will not think twice about giving you a referral if I hear you utter the word “Valentine’s,” the word “Day” or any combination thereof. And you will be expelled for saying pink heart! Do I make myself perfectly clear??”**

*Expletives added for dramatic effect.

**The preceding events, dialogue, characters, sentence structures, and past tense verbs may or may not have been changed to protect the anonymity of the offending parties, or in fact may have been entirely falsified for purposes of writing this blog. Any similarities between the preceding events, dialogue, characters, sentence structures, or past tense verbs are purely coincidental and do not reflect the beliefs of the author of this blog. However, the words “pink hearts” are completely truthful and were uttered, if not during this conversation, at some other point in the history of the world.

Whether or not the aforementioned event actually took place, the fact remains: Be watchful on Valentine’s Day because I will take every opportunity to poke you with my tiny plastic arrow.

-Troi out