Online Dating Rule #2: Keep Track of Your Bait(s)–I mean, your Mate(s)
Dear Women of the World (WOWs),
Everyone knows we need to devise plans to most efficiently complete our tasks. When picking a single cantaloupe in the produce section that is more desirable than its cantaloupe buddies, we use a combination of our senses; touch, sight, and taste (if your mouth is big enough to sneak an entire cantaloupe into it without the produce clerk noticing). Similarly, you will need a convenient method by which to meet the men that still remain when you have weeded through the undesirables using my foolproof method as described in the blog: Online Dating: Rule #1. Following are the two top-rated suggestions from my book “The Little Tiny Men Inside Your Computer” (I don’t actually have a book. But wouldn’t it be cool if I did?) that will help you keep track of your dates on your online journey to find the cantaloupe that’s right for you. I mean, the man.
1. Number your bait–I mean, your date(s)
We all know that remembering names can be troublesome. For example, how many of us actually remember the names of our congressmen, local non-profit organizations, employers, the President of the United States, our business clients, our pets, our best friends, and our husbands and wives? There is no space to remember such superfluous trivia when we need to remember the truly pertinent names, such as our login names for our email, our screen name for our instant messaging systems, the name of our favorite reality TV show, and the names of the hottest celebrities. Certainly there will be no room to remember the names of your dates, especially having referred to them thus far by their profile names. For this reason, you should number* your dates and refer to them as such. A typical introduction: “Hi, Number 37! You far exceed the personality of Number 14, but I’m afraid you lack the physical luster of Numbers 5 through 8!”
*You may fear that this numbering system will be viewed through your date’s eyes as demeaning. He may even suspect that you’ve had other dates; approximately 36 of them. However, please bear in mind that in the eyes of the government we are already viewed as a number and our names only fool us into believing we have an identity beyond that. And remember that Captain Picard referred to Commander Ryker as “Number One,” denoting respect and authority. Therefore, referring to people thusly is surely the mark of a progressive thinker. And by ‘progressive’ I mean futuristic. And progressing at warp speed through (internet) space.
2. Meet, then Delete
Not sure if the cantaloupe is quite your taste? You buy it, but if it’s rotten, you’ll likely discard it and forget about it tomorrow. (Be green, use a compost. You may forget it but the earth won’t.) Such is the motto of online dating. Do not spend 6 weeks corresponding by email and building expectations. Meet promptly with the sincere desire to get to know him better. You will enjoy your time much more if you recognize the value in your date regardless of whether there is the attraction for which you had hoped. If you have no interest in dating further, and you weren’t looking for simply a friend, you can delete the profile when you return home and move forward in your search, having enjoyed meeting a new cantaloupe. I mean, person.
–Troi out
