Well, Loyal Blog Reader, it’s that time of year again. Where we finally dissasemble the fake Christmas tree from Target, and make room for Halloween* pumpkins.
*For those Readers who do not celebrate Halloween, please insert a word substitution of your choice in place of Halloween so that this blog is all-inclusive.
You may have noticed that the average Halloween pumpkin looks a bit blase, and you may have heard of the tradition of sprucing up the average Halloween pumpkin** by piercing it*** with a sharp tool to provide it with a desired countenance.
**For those Readers who feel that stabbing an innocent pumpkin is a barbaric discriminatory practice, please note that you may puncture almost any innocent vegetable equally, including but not limited to cucumbers, lettuce heads, and genetically modified corn.
***This practice is known as “carving,” to lesson the impact of its savage connotation.
Having read this, I’m sure you are eager to fit in with societal expectations by providing your own plain pumpkin with a face. Yet, you simply aren’t sure how to proceed. Allow me to enlighten you. Simply follow the easy steps that are provided below, and you will find your pumpkin carving experience to be a success (and to adhere**** to the principles of nonviolence).
STEP ONE: BUY A PUMPKIN
You may find that it’s difficult, though not impossible, to carve a pumpkin that doesn’t exist. Therefore, before gathering your carving utensils, please consider purchasing a pumpkin so that you have something to carve.
STEP TWO: CUT OFF THE TOP OF THE PUMPKIN’S HEAD AND GUT IT FROM THE INSIDE
While this step may sound uncivilized, it’s really not. Step Three will explain why.
STEP THREE: PLACE THE TOP OF THE PUMPKIN’S HEAD BACK ON THE PUMPKIN.
See? No permanent harm done.
STEP FOUR: GATHER YOUR CARVING UTENSILS.
The typical American family uses the following carving utensils: Scissors. Make sure to have left-handed scissors nearby so that you are not discriminating against the right side of the brain. Also keep child-friendly scissors on hand. These are scissors that are shaped like a small, friendly child.
STEP FIVE: CARVE THE PUMPKIN.
This is self-explanatory. I won’t insult your intelligence by describing this step.
STEP SIX: GET TO KNOW YOUR PUMPKIN
Now that you’ve gutted it and radically altered its appearance, you may find that your pumpkin feels somewhat vulnerable. Let your pumpkin know you value it by asking its opinion on an important matter, such as its views on the upcoming election.
STEP SEVEN: PUT YOUR PUMPKIN ON DISPLAY
I suggest putting the pumpkin on the Welcome Mat right outside your door. This location has always worked well for me, except for when people accidentally step on and crush the pumpkin on their way inside.
As you can see, the pumpkin carving process is quite simple when following the aforementioned steps. Reader(s?), please feel free to leave your comments or questions regarding the process and I will most certainly respond to them. Remember, there are no stupid questions, only stupid blogs. 🙂