Trekkychick

Dear Single Female Readers,

You may have noticed lately that there is a shortage of eligible single men out there. You’d like to date, but you find that most single males are 1)unattractive , 2) unintelligent, 3) unstable, or 4) underage. Thankfully, single wonderful females (SWFs), there exists a breed of bachelor in an as yet untapped dimension.

That’s right, according to this website, the geek guy is the chic guy. The authors divulge that the geek guy is available, embraced by family members, smart, handy with a toolbox, and won’t be stolen by other women. Perfect! Is there a catch?

There are, warn the wise writers of this article. For one, your geek guy will have limited interpersonal skills due to inexperience, and will thus expect that a woman met in the real world interacts much like the female lead in Star Trek: TNG, Battlestar Galactica, or worse, Firefly. You will need to remind your geek guy that you are not telepathic, a volatile Colonial Viper fighter pilot, or a professional Companion*. Also make sure he knows you are human.

*Not a companion in the traditional sense of the word. Please watch Firefly for further details.

Having once dated a geek guy for nearly four years, I feel the need to convey that, much like you may have at one time have lost yourself in a good movie, your geek guy will lose himself in his computer. By the time he finds himself, he will be 3-5 hours late for your date. Remember that he has many good qualities before condemning him for his tardiness. Remember that being lost in a computer game is more morally sound than being found in another woman’s bedroom.

Now that you’re eager to catch your own geek guy, you might be wondering, SWF, where to find him. I suggest beginning your search at your local Mac store, which is where I found mine. Approach your geeky prey with a look of distress and some piece of broken computer hardware. Intentionally hold it backwards and upside down. A true geek will be unable to resist the urge to correct your grasp to avoid further damage. You might even try intentionally dropping your hardware. All geeks within a 3.14 mile radius will hear the sound and rush toward the focus of destruction with the indomitable urge to preserve the precious parts. Don’t be discouraged if they notice the fallen hardware before they notice you.

It would be remiss not to leave you with one caution before you begin your search for a geekmate. There is the occasional geek who, having wandered for so long in the geekalaxy, that he may have trouble transitioning to the home planet (Geekster’s Dictionary translation: The Real World). If your geek takes off for a Star Trek Convention dressed like Captain Picard, and then comes home still dressed like Captain Picard, and then goes to bed dressed like Captain Picard, and then leaves for work in the morning (still dressed like Captain Picard) mumbling about how he must “Report to the Bridge for Duty,” your geek guy might just be a geek freak, unfit for real human contact.

And remember, please visit this website for an unabbriged treatise on the Geek Guy.

–Troi out

Dear Readers,

As many of you who work for federal and/or state agencies know, January 19th commemorated a very significant occasion: A Day Off Of Work. However, fewer of you are probably aware that this day off coincidentally coincided with a little federal holiday I like to call “Martin Luther King Jr. Day.”

Martin Luther King Jr. is important, because it is the name of a very long street in the city in which I reside. But, I imagine, little did you know that there was once born a man who was named after that very street! That’s right, a man by the name of Martin Luther King, Jr. was so taken with his street name that he wanted to give back to the community, and eventually became a highly influential leader in the Civil Rights movement.

They say that Martin Luther King, Jr. (the man, not the street) had a lot to say. And they’re right. Any time I’m feeling like life has let me down, like very recently when I went to Fred Meyer and found that the Tillamook mint chocolate chip ice cream was out of stock, I like to read one of his inspiring quotes. His words never fail to help me put life in perspective and remember that the Ben & Jerry’s mint chocolate chip is just a few feet farther down the aisle.

However, I was recently dismayed to stumble upon a quote by Martin Luther King, Jr. that was not only devoid of wisdom, but also a health hazard. “Take the first step in faith,” he said. “You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.”

This is exactly the kind of misinformation that gets clumsy people killed. I would by no means classify myself as clumsy (but everyone else would), but sure, I’ve had the occasional broken right arm, broken right wrist, broken left arm, broken knee, and concussion. And I have to say, if I had waited to ensure that there was in fact a staircase following that first step, I would have witnessed the drop-off and surely wouldn’t have fallen over that darn cliff!

Suggesting that one take a first step prior to confirming a staircase is kind of like suggesting that one dive into a swimming pool before verifying that there is water inside. (And let me tell you, I was none too pleased by the outcome of that dive.)

So, Readers, while I am delighted to teach you about the great man named after the great street, let this be a cautionary tale that a man can be great, and say great things, which can be great to hear, but may also say things that are not so great, and may grate on you if you do not interpret them with great caution, greatly. Remember that a staircase is only as good as the sum of its stairs, and that any staircase with only one stair should surely be avoided in favor of the elevator.

–Troi out

As a friend and I were getting into my car the other day, he suddenly stopped cold before entering the car. This is not an uncommon reaction for people the first time they see my car. They often can’t find the seat. Or, they see it, but they’re afraid that they’ll have to compete with the mounds trash piled atop it (especially the old moldy food–which I’m saving for a snowy day–because we have those now in Portland) to find space upon which to place their backsides.

However, as I followed my friend’s gaze, I saw that he was gawking, not in horror at the sight of my car’s unsanitary innards, but rather at a sign on a building across the street. It read:

“Integretics: Integrative bodywork for people with bodies”

(Please read the quote several times to appreciate the full effect.)

I could understand my friend’s surprise at reading the sign’s message. One, it contained the word “integretics,” which in fact is not a real word at all. (Seriously, what kind of scroogy gabguy uses saffronious nonwords in their writing??) Moreover, the sign completely excludes people without bodies! And really, who needs nonword Integratic bodywork more than a person who wakes up one day to find his or her entire body missing?!

I find it sad that a person would be excluded from the clinic simply due to a lack of body. A famous person in history once said, “A friend to Every Body is a friend to No Body.” In other words, even if every body has no body, some body at Integretics should tend to some body’s body.

While the Integretics representative could not be reached for comment, which might be because I didn’t try to reach them for comment, I hope that both of my loyal blog readers will consider guiding me to a fuller understanding of why the misspelled medical center is only open to people who have bodies, and not those who do not have bodies.

And please stay tuned for next week’s equally insightful blog post:

“Bloggeretics: Blogging Blogwork for Bloggers with Blogs”

–Troi out