May 3

Dear Friend Whose Sister Just Had a Baby (FWSJHaB),

I’ve noticed of late you spend an inordinate amount of time using the new baby in your family as an excuse not to engage in our normal schedule of activities. While I understand that any new toy may serve as a temporarily enjoyable distraction, the novelty should generally wear off after 5-7 days. I am concerned that, on day 8, you continue to derive such pleasure in New Baby. Allow me to present my argument here.

New Baby, who I have not yet met, is rumored to exhibit the typical characteristics of new babies everywhere. New Baby cries, poops, and burps. I can do all these, too, if that’s what you’re looking for in our friendship, but frankly, I thought you wanted better.

New Baby, I’ve heard, rarely weighs in on the more important matters facing our country today, including our political and environmental climate, and she is also increasing our health care costs without putting anything back into the system except dirty diapers. I, on the other hand, am a contributing member to society who votes, recycles, and hasn’t dirtied a diaper since at least the third grade.

New Baby, so I hear, needs a prepared bottle wherever she goes. In contrast, I require a bottle only on the weekends, at the bar.

FWSJHaB, I would hate to have to start crying and pooping in public just to retain our friendship. I am confident that if you share the sound arguments presented here with New Baby, she will agree that I am the superior friend. She will agree by crying and pooping, but I think the message will be clear.

–Troi out

p.s. Congratulations Clare!! 🙂

May 1

Dear Readers,

I don’t know if you’ve heard, but you’re not in Kansas anymore. You’re on Facebook instead. And anybody who’s anybody knows where you are, who you are, and apparently now, who you’re dating.

I check my personal email while on break today and I notice that immediately following the spammer who wants to enhance my sex life (so thoughtful!), my faithful friend, Facebook, has also emailed me.

“Your friend, Boshua, (not his real name; real name has been withheld to protect the identity of those who may or may not wish to be associated with the writer of this blog), has alleged on facebook that you are in a relationship. We need to confirm that you are, in fact, actually dating again after hundreds, nay, thousands, of failed relationships [damn facebook….they know SO much about you]. We at Facebook find it hard to believe that you actually want to attempt to date again given your astronomically low success rate with relationships. You might want to consider taking up a new hobby instead. Or perhaps you could buy a new pet. Although, since we at Facebook own all of your personal information, we know that you were also astronomically unsuccessful at keeping your last seven fish alive, and you even managed to kill off your sea monkeys, who existed quite comfortably in their freeze-dried eggs for several decades until you managed to get your hands on them. Does anything that passes through your life actually survive??

“To confirm this relationship request, follow the link below. We promise we won’t laugh at you (out loud).”

I am absolutely panicked. I beckon a colleague. In the professional way, by hollering across the hall to her office.

“Colleague (not her real name),” I yell, “Facebook is stalking me! They know everything!!”

Colleague (not her real name) comes right over.

“Oh no!” she exclaims, “Did you KNOW you were in a relationship?”

“Yes. I was there when it happened.” And apparently, so was Facebook.

So I decide to confirm my virtual relationship request. Despite Facebook’s misgivings. Because while my dating success rate may be low, I am pretty sure that so far I have accidentally killed off more fish than men. Therefore, dating is probably safer than getting a new pet.

–Troi out