Dear Friend Whose Sister Just Had a Baby (FWSJHaB),
I’ve noticed of late you spend an inordinate amount of time using the new baby in your family as an excuse not to engage in our normal schedule of activities. While I understand that any new toy may serve as a temporarily enjoyable distraction, the novelty should generally wear off after 5-7 days. I am concerned that, on day 8, you continue to derive such pleasure in New Baby. Allow me to present my argument here.
New Baby, who I have not yet met, is rumored to exhibit the typical characteristics of new babies everywhere. New Baby cries, poops, and burps. I can do all these, too, if that’s what you’re looking for in our friendship, but frankly, I thought you wanted better.
New Baby, I’ve heard, rarely weighs in on the more important matters facing our country today, including our political and environmental climate, and she is also increasing our health care costs without putting anything back into the system except dirty diapers. I, on the other hand, am a contributing member to society who votes, recycles, and hasn’t dirtied a diaper since at least the third grade.
New Baby, so I hear, needs a prepared bottle wherever she goes. In contrast, I require a bottle only on the weekends, at the bar.
FWSJHaB, I would hate to have to start crying and pooping in public just to retain our friendship. I am confident that if you share the sound arguments presented here with New Baby, she will agree that I am the superior friend. She will agree by crying and pooping, but I think the message will be clear.
p.s. Congratulations Clare!! 🙂