What follows is my review of the Bagel Biter, a product gifted to me after a recent incident in which I inadvertently lopped off small, I daresay insignificant, portions of the cutaneous regions of my left thumb while slicing a bagel on Monday. And then proceeded to—-really, it’s hardly worth mentioning—-slice off minimal cutaneous sections of my right thumb while slicing a bagel on Tuesday. My mother, fearing for the life of her only child, decided that the Bagel Biter might be a useful addition to my kitchen accoutrements. The Bagel Biter acts as an intermediary by slicing the bagel for the victim/hopeful bagel consumer.
At least, that’s the claim of the Bagel Biter manufacturer.
After firsthand contact with the Bagel Biter, however, my concerns regarding its safety run deeper than my concerns regarding weapons of mass destruction overseas. That is, I suspect that weapons of mass destruction have not been found overseas because they are here in the United States, and they are called Bagel Biters, and one was just shipped to my house. It caused massive destruction to me personally when I attempted to remove it from the box, and suffered a third cutaneous stab wound as its blade hurled itself uninvited at me.
After which I thought I’d observe the warning label on the box, which, to my great dismay, announces: CAUTION: Sharp Blade Handle With Care!
Which begs the question: Why would a company make a bagel slicer that requires such a warning on the label? Wouldn’t you think that an invention tailored specifically to the person so inept—-me—-that she can’t so much as slice a bagel without also slicing off valuable appendages in the process should protect against similar hemorrhaging by providing a safe, blade-free alternative? Shouldn’t it sense when invaluable extremities, like the middle finger, are nearby and feature technology that repels anything that doesn’t take the form of a bagel?
Of greater concern, perhaps, is that the Bagel Biter is billed on the packaging as “The Original Bagel Guillotine.” Again, I must voice my displeasure at coming face to face with a product that bears the name of a device historically used for carrying out executions by decapitation. Now not only are my fingers threatened, but also my head, which I use from time to time when all else fails. My body also relies heavily upon my head to promote its overall aesthetic appeal. Why would I invite a guillotine into my kitchen? How will that look to guests*??
*Guests: (Plural Noun) People I would invite over if I knew how to cook.
Finally, the Bagel Biter features a multitude of fancy parts featuring big words (polycarbonate safety shields, non-stick coated serrated blade, removable stainless steel fasteners, etc), which is greatly disappointing to the consumer who has little time for (translation: cannot understand) big words like polycarbonate, serrated, and safety. Similarly concerning are the “directions” regarding how to use the suspicious weapon. Obviously the consumer who couldn’t coordinate knife and hands sufficiently to cut a bagel in the traditional manner will be overwhelmed by these instructions, and will disregard them in favor of more hands-on, tactile-kinesthetic approaches to learning (such as the ever-popular cutting oneself in the process of removing the product from the box, and then cursing oneself for having shredded the instructions with the big words).
Based on the aforementioned concerns I have brought to your attention regarding the safety and efficacy of the Bagel Biter, I am awarding it one star out of five. It has earned one star because it sits proudly on my counter, and is distinguished by its singularity as the first and only cooking utensil that I own.