Dramatic Increase in Water-Related Accidents and Deaths of Portland Residents in Seaside, OR
Seaside was devastated this past week when the usually cheery tourism of the sunny summer season was dampened by repeated water-related accidents and deaths. Having identified the victims, near-victims, partial-victims, and survivors, officials are puzzled to find that all of the affected parties are from Portland, OR, a city less than two hours east and just south of Seaside.
Investigation into the sudden insurgence of Portlanders, generally considered too good for smaller cities, into the town of Seaside, has uncovered that Portland has of late been visited by an extreme heat wave the likes of which no Portland resident has before seen, with temperatures reaching a high of 105 degrees Fahrenheit on Wednesday and a low of “F@#$, it’s still too hot out there!” These extreme conditions have led the otherwise unwavering Portlanders to leave their fire-advisoried nests and venture out even farther west than NW 23rd street.
While some of the survivors of the Seaside Water-Related Incidents declined interview, several residents of Portland’s sophisticated Pearl District consented to share their harrowing tales. In the Pearl, residents typically sip grande soy no-foam lattes and turn their noses up at passersby.
One such resident, who came solo to the interview since her husband works during the day as a high-profile lawyer to support her shoe-buying habit, explained the reasons behind her day trip to Seaside as well as her near-death experience.
“I’ve never swam in public water because of the germs and diseases spread by people outside of the Pearl District and in smaller cities. Well, except at the Pearl salon and day spa, where I swim in the jacuzzi with other rich people, who don’t have germs or diseases,” explained the resident, who asked to remain anonymous. “But it’s been so warm outside, and somebody mentioned that there’s an ocean just a few hours away called the ‘Pacific.’ It just sounded so cool and refreshing.”
Unfortunately, this resident wasn’t told to remove her six-inch snakeskin heels lined with rare precious jewels before entering the Pacific Ocean at Seaside, OR. She plans to sue Seaside for emotional damages plus the price of a new pair of overpriced heels. But, she admits, she would be remiss to stop there.
“I also plan to sue the people responsible for this ‘Pacific’ Ocean death trap, for not posting a visible warning regarding the need to remove my heavily-weighted heels prior to entering the water,” she explained indignantly, while examining her newly-painted nails. “I knew my shoes felt a bit heavy, but I wasn’t about to take them off and leave them prey to the degenerates that live outside the Pearl.”
Another survivor of the Seaside, OR water-related incidents, who also declined to give her name, sat at a Starbucks across the street on the north-side sipping a iced venti nonfat hazelnut mocha without whipped cream while preparing to share her story. She acknowledges she had heard of the Pacific Ocean but felt that it would be akin to the jacuzzi at her day spa at the Pearl, except with slightly enhanced proportions.
“Sure, I assumed the ocean would be a bit bigger than the recently constructed water park that spans nearly half a block here at the Pearl,” explained the resident, whose husband couldn’t make it to the interview because he works long hours at the hospital performing surgery and other frivolous escapades. “But nobody told me it would be deeper!”
This resident is also preparing to take legal action against Seaside, and declares that Seaside “should replace that salty Ocean water with a jacuzzi,” to protect other Portlanders from similar near-death experiences.
Authorities in Seaside, when asked to respond to this glaring gap in safety advisories near water-related settings, such as the Ocean, simply stated that they hope Portland’s temperatures drop as soon as possible so that residents of the Pearl return to their familiar niches of riches.
While Seaside scrambles to repair itself and move forward in the tragic aftermath of these water-related incidents, reputable reporters can only hope that in the midst of ever-changing climate conditions, it better prepares its waters for the return of Portland’s best and brightest next summer.