Dear Readers,
In honor of the implosion of my most recent relationship, I thought it only appropriate to dedicate this blog post—-and up to twenty more until I get over it and/or the subject matter becomes stale, whichever comes first—-to the topic of break-ups. Now as my eight loyal readers may know, I boast an impressive relationship failure rate of 100% (or, as somebody who prefers to see the glass half-full, a break-up success rate of 100%). And as I drink my half-full pint glass of beer, reveling in the impressive statistical improbability of my break-up success rate (I can’t think of a single other thing that I do well 100% of the time!), I feel it is only fair to impart to my loyal readers wisdom from my illustrious fountain of break-ups. Therefore, I am providing for your reading enjoyment a top ten list of what I consider to be the best movies to watch for those who, like me, are currently undergoing or have recently undergone a break-up.
10) Love Actually: If you wait long enough for Colin Firth’s wife to leave him, and you come from another country, don’t speak the language, and need a place to stay, Colin Firth will get over his wife and will fall in love with you. If that’s not believable I don’t know what is.
9) How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days: Kate Hudson deliberately makes a classic female mistake every day for ten days to chase away Matthew McConaghey. Watch this and feel very pleased with yourself for making only nine of these mistakes.
8 ) Catch and Release: Jennifer Garner’s fiance dies, but it turns out his best friend is hotter anyway–and wants her! The characters in this movie are all so nice that you’ll feel warm and fuzzy inside, and you’ll also enjoy an appearance by Silent Bob, who finally decides to talk.
7) The Puffy Chair: They try everything to salvage their relationship, even going across the country and braving fire and ugly furniture, but ultimately, sometimes it’s just not meant to be.
6) Zodiac: Serial killers kill innocent people who deserve to live. Will put your life in perspective. It’s only a break-up and, if you’re me, there are plenty more to come. Keep your sense of humor and lock your doors at night.
5) Two Weeks Notice: Sandra Bullock and Hugh Grant are complete opposites, but as she lifts him out of his corporate obsession with the bottom line, he falls in love with her, and also does the right thing for the community.
4) Cruel Intentions: Ryan Phillipe dies after he de-virginizes Reese Witherspoon and breaks her heart. Women everywhere are vindicated.
3) Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants: Whether or not their relationships worked out, their best friends were there to pull up their pants. I mean, lift them into their jeans. I mean, lift their spirits.
2) The Holiday: Kate Winslet and Cameron Diaz swap homes to get away from their real lives over the holiday season after they experience broken hearts. They find themselves, and then they find love again. So the good news is that if you look like Kate Winslet or Cameron Diaz, you’ll rebound in no time. I don’t look like either of them, but I still love this movie.
1) The Family Man: Nicholas Cage gets everything he never wanted when he wakes up in an alternate life with a wife and family and grows a heart. It’s all about hope and second chances and if you watch this movie and don’t feel good, it may indicate that you’re Satan.
So, Readers, I hope these movies put you on the path to post-breakup bliss. And if they don’t, please consider this.
–Troi out
