Trekkychick

Raw Banana Flax Bar: It’s what’s for dinner

Some of you may already be familiar with the raw food movement; a food philosophy that suggests the consumption of foods that are never cooked above 116 degrees farenheit are more nutritionally dense and retain enzymes that facilitate absorption of the nutrients in the food. Embraced by such esteemed public figures as Demi Moore and Alicia Silverstone, and rejected by such famed bloggers as Troi—-who prefers her nutrients in highly processed cocoa puffs fortified with vitamin B6 and riboflavin—-the raw food movement boasts results such as enhanced energy, weight loss, and reduced risk of heart disease.

And we all know that if people in Hollywood are doing it, it must be good.

So famed blogger Troi, whose huge* fan base relies on her expert knowledge of worldwide trends to dictate how they should dress, what they should eat, and where they should work (“Become a teacher!” she insisted last year, “Our society values the education of young people as its vital lifeforce and your job will always be secure!!” which coincided with an unexplained 90% decrease in Troi’s readership), set out to investigate the raw food movement.

*between 8 and 10 fans**

**fans: people I have begged, bribed, or blackmailed to subscribe to my blog. They may or may not ACTUALLY read it.

Famed blogger Troi is fully-informed in the principles of evidence-based research, with knowledge of statistical principles that spans z-scores, t-scores, the reliability and validity of testing tools, and variability among populations being tested. Troi can apply this methods-based knowledge to research regarding raw food and bring it to her readers, so that they understand the implications of such a diet and can make informed decisions about eating a raw food diet.

But that sounds BORING! So famed blogger Troi decided to disregard these principles and simply try a tasty*** raw food bar for herself.

***Tasty: What raw foodists tell themselves, to make it through the day

Troi perused the raw food section of the health food aisle in her local grocery store and decided upon a GORAW 100% Organic Banana “Bread” Flax Bar. After her purchase, she read the packaging.

“…..Being of the EARTH, this food may contain traces of the environments in which the ingredients were harvested (such as date pit pieces, very small rocks, etc.) that are impossible to remove completely.”

Wait, WHAT?? Why buy a bar that costs $3.69 when you can just munch on a few tablespoons of gravel from the nearby construction lot?

But Troi, who values the 8–10 readers who are counting on her, consumed the banana-gravel bar anyway. Sure enough, her last bite coincided with an almost instantaneous weight loss (after a run to the bathroom to lose the contents of the raw food bar), an increase in energy (as she suddenly felt compelled to run as fast as humanly possible away from the raw food aisle), and a reduced risk of heart disease (from the running—-exercise is good for your heart, right?)

And best of all, Troi looked in the mirror and looked decidedly more like Demi Moore and Alicia Silverstone than ever.

–Troi out

Engagement diamond or polar ice cap? Impossible to tell.

Dear Readers,

So as yet another single female friend recently jumped onto the wedding-band wagon, I could no longer sit silently by without issuing this warning to the world (or, the eight readers of my blog):

Marriage is a safety hazard.

You think I joke, but I’m trying to save lives here. Have you seen the size of the average engagement ring these days? (You have, but you mistook it for one of those melting polar ice caps, since they’re about the same size.) These rings are twice the size of the women wearing them. It’s like trying to lug an ice rink around by your finger. And as more women fall prey to marriage, the number of cases of ring-fingeritis (inflammation of the finger that bears the weight of a lifetime commitment) has skyrocketed. Ring-fingeritis now ranks among the leading cause of finger loss in women under the age of 35. (Second only to chopping them off inadvertently while trying to cook stir fry, although I’m still glad I gave it a go.)

But finger loss is only the beginning. Wearing an engagement diamond also increases one’s risk of being assaulted by a burglar looking to upgrade his or her style by investing—-freely—-in better jewelry. Nobody takes a burgler without glistening diamonds encased in a shiny platinum band seriously, whereas a burgler wearing an engagement diamond commands a sort of dignified respect as he catches the light just right with a reflective finger, momentarily blinding his victim and whisking her wallet away. As you can probably imagine, crime rates, like lost fingers, have also escalated since the rise of the giant engagement ring.

I implore you, Readers, to step up to the ring—-instead of wearing it—-and fight for your fingers! Take a stand against finger loss and burglary. Because “I do” think I’ve warned you sufficiently.

–Troi out