A Reflection on the Efficiency of the Paper Filtering Mechanism in Today’s Society

Yeah, right. Great title though, right?

So this morning I decided that after four years of not making breakfast*, it was time to do so. (*This depends on your definition of “making breakfast.” I have always felt that unwrapping my energy bar and placing it carefully into my mouth constitutes “making breakfast.” Others disagree.) At any rate, today’s breakfast was to be a nutritious delicious creation of pancakes, smoked salmon, and, most importantly, coffee. After obtaining most of my items at Trader Joe’s, I danced to the Safeway dairy case to purchase International Delight White Chocolate Raspberry creamer. In horror I witnessed the absence of all White Chocolate Raspberry creamers. I said a prayer for their passing and whispered a small curse on the Coffee gods (big mistake) before settling for Coffeemate’s Chocolate Raspberry.

I came home and set all of the optional ingredients (pancake mix, salmon) for breakfast aside and immediately prepared to brew the single crucial necessity. I happily reached into my cupboard for a paper filter and came to find that…..they were ALL GONE. That’s right, the Coffee gods stole my LAST paper filter! What was I to do?

Now I know what you’re thinking….Troi, is there REALLY such a thing as Coffee gods? And to that I respond, How would Starbucks be the powerhouse it is today without the support of the Coffee gods? Do you really think that Starbucks singlehandedly ran so many of the smaller coffee shops in Portland into the ground all of its own accord? Certainly not without the Coffee gods! And now you’re asking me, Troi, are they Coffee gods, or Coffee devils?? And to that I answer, I guess it depends on who you’re working for. 🙂

At any rate, these Coffee gods exist. God created the world in seven days, which was an impressive feat that to this day has not been exceeded. However, the Coffee gods have made their own place in history by creating the Coffeemaker, the espresso machine, coffee beans, foam, chocolate syrup, half and half, styrofoam cups, all-nighters, ulcers, and the omnipresent Starbucks that is ten steps in any direction you might be headed. I daresay the Coffee gods have outdone themselves.

That is, until this morning when my ultra uncaffeinated self cursed the Coffee gods and they plundered my final precious paper filter. You can imagine my panic as I tore through the cupboards looking for any object that could possibly double as a paper filter. And then I found it, right under my eyes, the glorious thicker quicker picker-upper: A Bounty Paper Towel. I gratefully tore Bounty from his roll and explained to him that today he was not a picker-upper but a filter. Bounty misunderstood, and my thicker quicker picker-upper tore a bit in the filtering process, leaving grounds and a curiously strong paper taste in my Chocolate Raspberry coffee.

But it didn’t matter. Nor did it matter that I’d lost all motivation to make the rest of my breakfast and that it could perhaps be another four years before the motivation strikes me again. What matters is that I could use my brains and Bounty’s braun to enjoy a cup of coffee despite unforeseen circumstances. And even the Coffee gods are smiling on me again. My second cup of coffee was definitely less papery than the first. And I think the third cup will be perfect.

–Troi out

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