Trekkychick

Dear Readers, you have put up with listening to my most dearly held beliefs regarding dating, cooking eggs, and why you should never cook eggs while dating (wait, I didn’t write that last one, that was just a dream I had). Now on this rare occasion I offer you a brief reprieve from my rants. A loyal Reader sent me the following letter in response to my last post, which, as an unbiased blogger, I felt compelled to share as a guest post. I hope you find his knowledge helpful.

(Really—-I did not write this. Thank you to the dear friend who sent it to me. You are hilarious!)

Dear Troi,

As a long time reader, I have always enjoyed your pithy proverbs, clever witticisms, and honest observations on life. As usual, I eagerly awaited this week’s subject matter, which I assumed from the title would be a celebration of an excellent song from a brilliant band.

But I am shocked and dismayed with this, your latest virtual entry! You’ve always striven to keep from advertising to the general public, (unless, understandably, you would directly benefit from the product, of course). But now? Have you lost your objectivism? Have you sold your journalistic integrity? For shame, I say! This blatant sponsorship of RATboy, avaricious young upstarts that they are, is simply unconscionable. There is an original and far superior organization I must defend; the Men Accompanying Neglected Women (Having Obtained Remuneration Enthusiastically).

As a dedicated member of this esteemed organization, I must provide the public with the education that you have withheld from them. MANW(HORE) is an organization, nay, some would claim it a profession, that is as old as time! In fact, it may be the oldest profession in the world.

Unlike RATboys, MANW(HORE)s offer their services for much less, some for practically nothing! Also unlike RATboys, who need to be called to arrange for service, MANW(HORE)s can be found in every restaurant, bar, and street corner in order to be readily available to any woman at any time. In fact, some members will approach women, even going door to door, to offer their services, simply for the convenience of the customer! They are always agreeable and ready to please; and when the time comes to say goodbye to one, you’ll find another member waiting in line. Yes, those tireless, ubiquitous MANW(HORE)s are far superior to the RATboys, though the membership screening is, admittedly, much less stringent.

So I ask, oh reasonable blogger, that the public be allowed to be fully informed of their choices. Let all women know that no matter what their situation, there will always be a MANW(HORE) ready and available. I am sure that in the future you will return to your objective reporting, or at least reflect a more egalitarian approach to your advertising, and so I remain your most fervent fan.

Sincerely,
G. I. Golo

Dear Readers,

*The individual appearance of each RATboy may vary slightly.

Have you noticed lately that your significant other seems to be monopolizing your time and energy? Are you bored of always spending your time with the same person? Have you ever wished you could rid yourself of your other half*?

*Not your left side. You need that.

Have you hesitated to throw in the monogrammed towels because the boyfriend still comes in handy at couples-friendly events like weddings and parties?

Well, now you can throw in the towel and throw out the boy, with the comfort of knowing a perfect date is just a phone call away!

Thanks to my easy and convenient Rent-A-Temporary Boy (RATBoy) Rental Service, you can revolutionize the way you live your life! RATBOY guarantees the instantaneous elimination of that annoying ESPN sportscaster from your television, an immediate decrease in arguments, and an increased amount of time to spend doing what YOU want to DO!

Here’s how easy RATBoy is to use. Pick up your phone. Dial: 1-800-RATBoys. One of our operators will do a brief intake to collect information regarding your age and location, and will then match you in our database to a list of potential RATBoys. When an event arises that requires you bring a guest, you can rest easy knowing your handsome and clever date is just a phone call away! Simply call RATBoy Rental Service within 24 hours of the event to ensure an age-matched RATBoy in your rental area is available for use.

Just listen to what my devoted clients of RATBoy Rental Service are saying about their experience:

“My old boyfriend was so difficult. But my new RATBoy is so easy to use!” –Anonymous #1

“RATBoy is so convenient, I’ll never go back to an old-fashioned relationship again!” –Anonymous #2

“I needed a date for a party. I called RATBoy Rental Service, and my RATBoy showed up twenty minutes later! Thanks, RATBoy Rental Service!” –Anonymous #3

“I used to have to beg my boyfriend to be seen with me in public! He never wanted to go to parties with me! RATBoy always wants to accompany me!” --Anonymous #4

Order your free six-week trial of RATBoy now and receive a bonus RATBoy at your next event! Just imagine how you’ll look showing up at that party with a RATBoy on each arm—-you’ll be the envy of every woman there—-they’ll be wishing they could leave their long-term boyfriends for the ease and convenience of a RATBoy!

–Troi out

Disclaimer: RATBoy is not for everyone. Please contact your psychiatrist immediately if you feel pain in your chest from missing your previous long-term boyfriend, or if you experience weight gain or an increase in cholesterol from boredom-induced overeating. Side effects of RATBoy include growing old alone, buying too many cats, talking to your cats with increasing frequency, and the eventual belief that your cats actually care what you have to say. RATBoy is not available for use as a full-time boyfriend.

*This post geared toward female audiences

“I don’t think, therefore I am not”

Dear Readers,

I am pleased to announce I have secured a coveted interview with esteemed dating guru, Donna T’Needaman, author of The Evolution of A Man, whose two-paragraph analysis of the male psyche was second on the New York Times Bestseller list only to its stiff competition, The New Religion of the Stars: Socialstudiesology. Donna T’Needaman chose trekkychick.com as her medium for conveying her wisdom about men to the masses because of trekkychick.com’s large (fluctuating between a record high of 12 and 16 readers) and diverse (all live in Portland, all are within the same age range, but all enjoy very different breakfast foods, ranging from hot cereal to cold cereal) audience.

Troi: Donna T’Needaman, did you expect that your completed book would be longer than two paragraphs?

Donna T’Needaman: Actually, it was only one and a half paragraphs. I altered the text and spacing and widened the margins in order to achieve two full paragraphs.

Troi: But, certainly, don’t you think the male psyche is more complex than that?

Donna T’Needaman: Before completing my research, I was hoping that it would be. They always LOOK like they’re thinking about something.

Troi: You mention in the commentary section of your book [that would be paragraph two, for those Readers who've yet to pick up their copy] that your in-depth analysis brought you to the conclusion that you would no longer choose to include the practice of dating in your daily life. Can you expand on this idea?

Donna T’Needaman: Certainly. I don’t need a man to make me crazy. I can be crazy without the help of a man.

Troi: You also suggest, in the epilogue [that would be the last sentence of the second paragraph, for those Readers who are still reading the first paragraph], that nobody has a “perfect person” who is just right for them. Are you suggesting that you don’t believe in the notion of soulmates?

Donna T’Needaman: I believe in the concept of soul-crushing mates. Your soul-crushing mate is the man you fall in love with, who is utterly devoid of the concept of “you” as a being separate and unique who may differ from him in opinion and philosophy. He attempts to change you into his idealized version of you, crushing your soul in the process.

Troi: Donna T’Needaman, rumor has it you’re slated to revise your book with an update soon. What can we be looking forward to?

Donna T’Needaman: Yes, I was going to complete an analysis on the psyche of a pig, and compare and contrast the two psyches. I’m hoping this revised edition adds a full paragraph to the anaylsis, which will really change the look and feel of the book.

There you have it ladies and gentlemen, famed author Donna T’Needaman, speaking to humble blogger Troi. If you have any questions for Donna T’Needaman, please direct them to me by way of comment.* Or you can go directly to www.donnatneedaman.com, which is not a real website, but who knows, might be someday.

–Troi out

*The views and opinions stated in this interview are not the opinions of blogger Troi, but the views and opinions of the character created by blogger Troi. Any similarities in views and opinions are an unexpected coincidence.

Engagement diamond or polar ice cap? Impossible to tell.

Dear Readers,

So as yet another single female friend recently jumped onto the wedding-band wagon, I could no longer sit silently by without issuing this warning to the world (or, the eight readers of my blog):

Marriage is a safety hazard.

You think I joke, but I’m trying to save lives here. Have you seen the size of the average engagement ring these days? (You have, but you mistook it for one of those melting polar ice caps, since they’re about the same size.) These rings are twice the size of the women wearing them. It’s like trying to lug an ice rink around by your finger. And as more women fall prey to marriage, the number of cases of ring-fingeritis (inflammation of the finger that bears the weight of a lifetime commitment) has skyrocketed. Ring-fingeritis now ranks among the leading cause of finger loss in women under the age of 35. (Second only to chopping them off inadvertently while trying to cook stir fry, although I’m still glad I gave it a go.)

But finger loss is only the beginning. Wearing an engagement diamond also increases one’s risk of being assaulted by a burglar looking to upgrade his or her style by investing—-freely—-in better jewelry. Nobody takes a burgler without glistening diamonds encased in a shiny platinum band seriously, whereas a burgler wearing an engagement diamond commands a sort of dignified respect as he catches the light just right with a reflective finger, momentarily blinding his victim and whisking her wallet away. As you can probably imagine, crime rates, like lost fingers, have also escalated since the rise of the giant engagement ring.

I implore you, Readers, to step up to the ring—-instead of wearing it—-and fight for your fingers! Take a stand against finger loss and burglary. Because “I do” think I’ve warned you sufficiently.

–Troi out

Dear Readers,

I’m still getting acclimated to the universe of online dating.

In this new universe, I’m allowed a few dates with anybody I choose until I decide to pursue one of the anybody’s to make him my somebody.

I suppose it’s what dating was always meant to be, but it’s a far cry from what dating always meant to me.

To me, dating was developing an overpowering, all-consuming crush on a boy. The object of my affection was then subjected to me—-on my best, most adorable behavior—-conveniently overlayed on approximately 90% of his daily activities. (You call it stalking, I call it “availability.”) I sat at his lunch table, I dragged myself out of bed to attend morning mass instead of evening, and yes, I even started playing on his ultimate frisbee team despite the fact that I didn’t know what ultimate frisbee was or how to play it.

Eventually, the object of my affection would reach the inevitable conclusion that, despite my poor table manners, tendency to fall asleep at morning mass, and generally atrocious frisbee skills, he wanted me to be his girlfriend. Our relationship would be inaugurated with much rejoicing, by me; being at that point exhausted both by early morning mass and by having had to ceaselessly maintain my best adorable behavior for the past six months.

During those six months, it never crossed my mind to entertain the affections of others; I never noticed another man nor did I particularly want to explore my options.

And once my crush and I became a couple, we stayed a couple, for a couple of years.

And when we ceased to be a couple, I didn’t want to be part of another couple, for another couple of years.

It was simple and sweet, and I only had to remember one guy’s name.

I by no means intend to knock the very system in which I am a willing player. But I hope, as I play a new game with new rules, that at the end of a long line of anybody’s will come my somebody.

–Troi out