Trekkychick

So today I received yet another announcement of impending nuptials from a good friend of mine. I have been receiving a great deal of said announcements recently. I believe this is because in our mid-late twenties we enter into the “SeTtling Down” phase, or what I like to abbreviate as the “STD” phase.

….I’ve just been notified by my publicist that this is not an acceptable abbrevation for my topic. Apparently it’s already been taken. Thus, we will refer to this phase as the “settling phase,” the phase that inevitably accompanies the general physical transformation (read: decline) that men and women (but particularly women) undergo during this time period.

How exactly do I respond to such announcements of upcoming marriages, spoken with the ignorance of joy? Congratulations that you will soon be yoked for all eternity to another human being, until one of you gets let off the hook by either your death, or the death of your partner?*

See, that statement doesn’t have a very nice ring to it, and could be misinterpreted as a lack of support for your friend’s engagement. Yet to feign an act of jubilance at their imminent situation is simply dishonest.*

Thus, for your benefit I have considered and arrived at several enthusiastic yet neutral statements that can be made when you are confronted with future announcements of permanent coupledom.

“Wow! Forever! What a long time! He must really like you!”

This is an excellent response because it contains an exclamation, a statement of fact, an opinion, and yet skirts the issue of your feelings on the matter entirely.

“Where did he propose? What did he say? How did he do it?”

Once again, this is a solid response because it is so loaded with interrogatives that your opinion is not factored into the conversation at all.

“Hey speaking of weddings, I read the most interesting story about prenuptial agreements in a recent story on Britney and K-Fed…..”

This response is commonly utilized to plant seeds of prenuptial agreements in your friend’s mind, critical to the success of any subsequent divorce.

Please respond with comments if you have other suggestions of appropriate responses that can be used in the occasion of notices of permanent unions.

*The author of this blog would like to note that her comments on this topic of wedded bliss are loaded with sarcasm, and may not express her true feelings on the matter of marriage. The author of this blog feels 80% confident that all of her friends will be in the 50% of marriages that are successful, and that those who are not her friends will be in the 50% of marriages that end in divorce. Therefore, the author of this blog suggests that you become friends with her if you would like for your marriage to last.

–Troi out

So once upon a time (yesterday) in a land far, far away (here, in my apartment), it came to pass that I was having a conversation with a male friend (you know who you are, Chris) about the differences between relationships and dating.

Male Friend: What is the difference between relationships and dating?

Me: Dating implies that it’s more casual. It does not have to be exclusive. A relationship is more committed and it’s exclusive. You can date more than one person at a time.

Male Friend: Can’t you have more than one relationship at a time, too?

Me: No, that’s called cheating.

Male Friend: I thought that was called fun!

While I’d love to take advantage of his comment as a fresh opportunity for male bashing, I’m presently on another mission. That is, am I correct in my definitions? Are there other interpretations? (Well, clearly there are for males.

Perhaps a real-life analogy will help to clarify the difference between dating and relationships. I like to think of dating as petty crime. Have you ever bought a small fountain drink at a fast food restaurant and upon empting your plastic cup, dared to venture back up for an ILLEGAL refill?? That’s sort of like dating. You’re skirting something serious, but it’s probably not punishable by lethal injection. (Lucky for you, Jamie.)

Relationships, on the other hand, are more akin to bank robberies, or perhaps assault. Once you’ve been caught in one of these offenses, it’s harder to get out of it. And if you spend a lot of time robbing banks, you may even wind up with a life sentence.

You know, readers, I’ve been told that I am terrible at analogies, but I really feel that I nailed this one. Your thoughts?

–Troi out

Recent research (by Troi) into gender differences has uncovered that the fundamental difference between men and women is not what we once thought. The primary difference is not anatomical, nor is it emotional, nor is it intellectual. The primary difference is actually the level of desire to fix material objects that have broken. A simple dialogue taken from a recent real life event can serve to demonstrate this striking difference:

Troi: My vacuum is broken.

Unidentified male friend of Troi: In dismantling your vacuum, I see that the belt has broken. We will drive to the local vacuum store to buy you a new belt.

Troi: That sounds like a lot of work. I think I”ll just get a new vacuum.

UMFOT: But a new vacuum is several hundred dollars. A new vacuum belt is only $4.95.

Troi: Yeah, but, putting a new belt in the vacuum sounds kind of hard. Look at all the nails lying on the floor. I don’t think I can fix it.

UMFOT: Those are called screws. And anyway, I’ll drive you to the vacuum store, help you find the new vacuum belt, and replace it on your vacuum for you so you don’t attempt to hammer the screws back in. Really, it will be easy and much cheaper than buying a new vacuum.

Troi: Are you sure I shouldn’t just buy a new vacuum?

Readers, the thing I want to get across here is that I am not lazy. I am a dedicated employee, volunteer, and good samaritan. Why, just the other day I saw an elderly man hobbling across the street and I slowed my car so as not to hit him too hard. Clearly I am a concerned citizen who is unafraid to go the extra mile when duty calls.

But I just don’t like taking things apart. My unidentified male friend (UMF) is just one of many MFs I have who seem to derive some sense of pleasure from taking things apart, inspecting their insides, and then putting them back together. Not only does this type of behavior sound unappealing, it in fact actually repels me. It repels me to the extent that I would rather spend $200 on a new vacuum than face the daunting prospect of fixing the old one.

I admit that ultimately hundreds of thousands of UMFs will save their money by dissecting their respective vacuums, computers, cell phones, blenders, paper towel holders, and pet hamsters to see what is wrong and fix the problem themselves rather than the alternative of buying new vacuums, computers, cell phones, coffeemakers, paper towel holders, and pet hamsters.

But I’m willing to accept that fact. As long as you don’t make me dismantle my appliances.

–Troi out

We all know that the difficulty moving past a relationship is linked in part to the inevitable memories you’ll experience in the aftermath of the breakup, as explored in This fascinating post by Troi.

However, these internal memories are propagated by external reminders that exist everywhere. I, for example, daily pass by Mt. Scott Blvd, walk down grocery aisles filled with Scott brand tissue paper, and my best male friend of the platonic persuasion is cursed with the same appellation, rendering me unable to escape a single moment scott-free.

But harder is walking into the bar where you had your first drink with The Ex, walking into the movie theater where you took The Ex to a movie you hoped he’d like, catching a glimpse of The Ex’s favorite sports team, a CD with The Ex’s favorite band, or a song The Ex mentioned he liked once as it played on the radio in the car. How do we move past this problem? It is not practical (and it can be dangerous, I found) to walk around the city with our eyes closed in fear of encountering a tangible token of the existence of The Ex. And it is unpleasant to eliminate entirely the act of leaving your apartment to ensure that you avoid any bars, movie theaters, or other buildings that may ignite similar recollections. And you may ultimately regret trashing your television, computer, entire CD collection, and car stereo. I know I did.

So I’m here to tell you, there is a better way! It is called “Relationship Relocation.” Relationship Relocation (RR) is the act of confining your current relationship to one or more locations to which, in the instance of breakup, it is unlikely you’ll ever return. Enjoy your current relationship while it lasts in the confines of an area that you will not frequent after the breakup. I suggest Iceland. Make sure that you and your current partner fly on separate planes to your designated “Relationship headquarters” in Iceland to extinguish any possibility that future plane rides will be tainted by memories of you cuddling with The Ex. On your isolated plane ride, resist the temptation to listen to any songs, read any books, or watch any in-flight movies, as these songs, books, and/or in-flight movies will surely betray you in the cruel form of memories when you come across these items after the breakup.

While you spend an evening in Iceland with your current partner, do not eat at restaurants that are chains. Research the restaurant thoroughly and grill the owner to ensure that there are no plans to expand Iceland’s Italian Indulgences to any of the 50 states. (Or to Italy, where you may want to travel one day.)

In Iceland you may get bored. Resist the urge to watch a movie or play a board game with your current partner. These, too, will become tainted after the breakup and spelling your favorite word backwards will never be quite the same again. Do not discuss anything of interest with your current partner while in Iceland, such as your life goals (because then you’ll have to change them) or your hobbies (because then you’ll have to change those too).

For more ideas on how to compartmentalize your relationship through the act of Relationship Relocation, please see www.iftroididiticandoittoo.com and enter your name, birthdate, the last four digits of your social security number, your bank account number, your pin number, and your annual household income. Once I have all of your personal information, I will be more than happy to breakup-proof your current relationship to ensure a pleasant post-breakup existence! Go to my fictitious website now, you’ll be glad you did!

-Troi out

We all know how hard breakups can be. However, we rarely acknowledge that there’s a simple way around the pain experienced after a bad breakup. A little example called “logic” will serve to demonstrate my point.

If Breakups = Pain,
and Relationships = Breakups,
Then Relationships ultimately = Pain.

So let’s stop blaming the breakup for our pain. Let’s get to the root of the matter and blame ourselves for having entered into the relationship in the first place! We should have known it would ultimately end in pain.

This is exactly why we need to start having Breakup Sects. Breakup Sects are groups of people who share a common interest in abolishing the self-destructive behavior known as a Relationship. Once you have gone through a particularly painful breakup, you will be eligible to join the Breakup Sect of your choosing. You will be assigned a sponsor who supports you in your journey to permanently remove the harmful act of having a Relationship in your life.

When you develop the self-destructive urge to have a relationship, remember that this is what the Breakup Sects are for! Immediately call your Breakup Sect’s sponsor. He or she will remind you of the logical equation that led you to the realization that Relationships = Pain and will list in alphabetical order the reasons why you turned to Breakup Sects to avoid this certain pain.

I hope that you find my idea of Breakup Sects useful.

–Troi out