Trekkychick

Dear Loyal Blog Reader,

We temporarily suspend the planned topic for tonight, “Shiny Hair: The Little-Known Consequences of Conditioner,” to ponder love. Is love simply a word that exists in our lexicon to be utilized to demonstrate a feeling of enthusiasm?

After all, I love my conditioner. And I tell it that every day. But I demonstrate love to my conditioner by using it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that using somebody exhibits love. In fact, it tends to do quite the opposite, I’ve found. But I show my conditioner that I value it by choosing it above all other conditioners and spending time with it daily. (Please note, loyal blog reader, I don’t actually use conditioner. And I only use shampoo on weekends and holidays. But for the sake of metaphor, explore with me here.) My conditioner reciprocates that love by giving of its chemical goodness to provide me with shiny hair.

Without action to back it up, Love is just another four-letter word. Like “hair” and “shiny” without the “y.” Was it Michael W. Smith who said Love isn’t Love until you give it away? I may not listen to your music anymore, Michael W. Smith, but you’re absolutely right on this one. Don’t just say Love; show Love.

–Troi out

It’s not anonymous.

Everybody is doing it. So expect everybody to find you. Old college friends, your coworkers, your local starbucks barista, your grandma, and the homeless guy holding the sign on the street across from your house are all online too. Don’t worry, you don’t have to date them. In fact I believe it’s illegal to date your grandma. But if she winks at you, wink back. It’s the polite thing to do.

There’s no reason to be ashamed. But if you are, here are five simple tips for fielding the questions you get once you’re ‘outed.’

“That’s not my profile, that’s my evil twin, Roy. He never could get a girl.”
“My sister/brother/best friend/pet hamster created the profile for me. I’ve never actually looked at it.”
“I was looking for a date for my evil twin, Joy. She never could get a guy.”
“I’m an online predator. Are you interested in going out?”
“It’s a shame you found my profile. Now I’m going to have to kill you.” (This is ONLY a threat meant to intimidate! Do not under any circumstances follow with the actual act of killing.)

This concludes our online dating series. I’m sure I have allayed all of your possible fears and made you eager for the adventure that will ensue once you put your romantic future in the hands of the internet. Please refer any questions to my male counterpart, e. lucas. I am all out of answers.

–Troi out

Dear e. lucas,

I validate you. (Reader, please see Both Sides Now before reading this response.) It is true that some women, myself included, have a knack for sniffing out the one male in a room of hundreds who will treat us poorly, and we then proceed to inexplicably devote ourselves fully to him. Yet you are absolutely right, we women can be just as vindictive towards our male conquests. Watch any bad, poorly-written, poorly-acted, unrealistic, and predictable teen film and you will find that the male protagonist often pines for the classic “bitchy” beautiful woman before he falls for the kind-hearted, less attractive* girl next door. (Please see “She’s All That” for an example of this formula.)

*In fact, she is usually MORE attractive than the other character. However, since the characters in the film all believe her to be of average physical beauty, we in the audience are supposed to believe it too. A stupid audience is a happy audience.

However, e. lucas, while I acknowledge that men and women both can fall for the wrong partner, it seems to me that women have what is commonly referred to as a conscience* when we are worried we are not treating somebody the way he deserves.

*Conscience: (Noun) (pronounced CON’ SHUNS) That which women have and men don’t. It begins with the prefix “con” which means “with” and ends with the word “science.” It therefore must mean that, with the help of science, one can artificially generate a conscience. What a relief to those born without. (Ref:TheDictionaryofTroi)

In other words, I feel considerable distress if I have even the slightest suspicion I might be hurting a member of the opposite sex. On the other hand, it was my experience with the Ex that the pain and suffering caused to me was quite deliberate:

“No, I absolutely will not email/call/come over/take you on a date, listen to you, validate your feelings, and/or respond favorably to any other need you may ever express in the entirety of our relationship.”**

**This is not a direct quote. The word “listen” was not in the vocabulary of The Ex, nor was the word “relationship.” The word “No,” however, was.

Maybe it’s just me, but that statement certainly seems to represent a willful choice not to accommodate my feelings. I may have inadvertently hurt people in my past, but it was never a conscious decision.

e. lucas, do I have any grounds beyond my own experience to support my claims? Or do you believe that the conscience is an individual entity bearing no correlation to gender?

–Troi out

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Online Dating Rule #2: Keep Track of Your Bait(s)–I mean, your Mate(s)

Dear Women of the World (WOWs),

Everyone knows we need to devise plans to most efficiently complete our tasks. When picking a single cantaloupe in the produce section that is more desirable than its cantaloupe buddies, we use a combination of our senses; touch, sight, and taste (if your mouth is big enough to sneak an entire cantaloupe into it without the produce clerk noticing). Similarly, you will need a convenient method by which to meet the men that still remain when you have weeded through the undesirables using my foolproof method as described in the blog: Online Dating: Rule #1. Following are the two top-rated suggestions from my book “The Little Tiny Men Inside Your Computer” (I don’t actually have a book. But wouldn’t it be cool if I did?) that will help you keep track of your dates on your online journey to find the cantaloupe that’s right for you. I mean, the man.

1. Number your bait–I mean, your date(s)

We all know that remembering names can be troublesome. For example, how many of us actually remember the names of our congressmen, local non-profit organizations, employers, the President of the United States, our business clients, our pets, our best friends, and our husbands and wives? There is no space to remember such superfluous trivia when we need to remember the truly pertinent names, such as our login names for our email, our screen name for our instant messaging systems, the name of our favorite reality TV show, and the names of the hottest celebrities. Certainly there will be no room to remember the names of your dates, especially having referred to them thus far by their profile names. For this reason, you should number* your dates and refer to them as such. A typical introduction: “Hi, Number 37! You far exceed the personality of Number 14, but I’m afraid you lack the physical luster of Numbers 5 through 8!”

*You may fear that this numbering system will be viewed through your date’s eyes as demeaning. He may even suspect that you’ve had other dates; approximately 36 of them. However, please bear in mind that in the eyes of the government we are already viewed as a number and our names only fool us into believing we have an identity beyond that. And remember that Captain Picard referred to Commander Ryker as “Number One,” denoting respect and authority. Therefore, referring to people thusly is surely the mark of a progressive thinker. And by ‘progressive’ I mean futuristic. And progressing at warp speed through (internet) space.

2. Meet, then Delete

Not sure if the cantaloupe is quite your taste? You buy it, but if it’s rotten, you’ll likely discard it and forget about it tomorrow. (Be green, use a compost. You may forget it but the earth won’t.) Such is the motto of online dating. Do not spend 6 weeks corresponding by email and building expectations. Meet promptly with the sincere desire to get to know him better. You will enjoy your time much more if you recognize the value in your date regardless of whether there is the attraction for which you had hoped. If you have no interest in dating further, and you weren’t looking for simply a friend, you can delete the profile when you return home and move forward in your search, having enjoyed meeting a new cantaloupe. I mean, person.

–Troi out