Trekkychick

I regret to inform you that the UV germ light (UV Rays: Not Just for Skin Cancer Anymore!) did not solve all of the cold and flu woes I have experienced since working with the multiple-germ infested larvae, or what the other teachers refer to as “students.” The UV germ light might have worked better had I actually bought it, instead of just writing about it while intermittently poking fun at it. That’s just one hypothesis, though, and I’m not one to jump to conclusions.

At any rate, undergoing my fifth sickness of the last 8 months has made me realize I need to throw caution to the wind and replace said useless caution with extreme paranoid PREcautions. Having been blessed with the genetic predisposition for paranoia I find that I am just the blogger to break this new precautionary ground.

This new ground is also referred to as a Level A aluminized Hazmat Suit. Please see image below.

This groundbreaking (literally, it’s so heavy, it will break the ground) protective Level A Hazmat Suit is just one step above antibacterial instant hand sanitizer and one step below the total annihilation of all bacterial and viral germs known to human lifeforms as documented in Star Trek: The Next Generation.

The Level A Hazmat Suit, when worn to the jobsite as work attire, has a number of benefits in addition to protecting you from the germs of young children. First of all, its silver sheen goes well with almost any room decor, so you can galavant from your classroom, to the cafeteria, to the faculty lounge, while remaining fashionable. Second, no more fire drills! You will remain protected through almost any calamity, including fire, earthquake, or terrorist attack, while your poor unsuspecting coworkers will have to flee the building for their lives. Kick back, relax, and drink some coffee amidst the panic and dread.

Speaking of drinking coffee, the Level A Hazmat Suit does have a few drawbacks that I should mention before you invest in the Hazmat Suit family and extended family discount to swathe and protect all of your beloved family members. First, it’s actually impossible to drink coffee while in the Hazmat Suit, because its protectiive outer covering precludes the possibility of anything actually entering your mouth. And even if you could successfully bridge the gap between the coffee and your mouth, you wouldn’t want to, because it will also be impossible for you to use the bathroom while in your Level A Hazmat Suit. Finally, you’ll find that as you make pleasant small talk with your coworkers, you’ll receive looks of confusion and disdain, because even though you’re saying, “Why, hello coworker, have you noticed how sharp I look in my fine new Hazmat Suit?”, all they will hear through the largely soundproof protective gear is a blurred “Welloworersharloohazmasuit?”

I can hardly wait to wear my new Level A Hazmat Suit to work tomorrow. In its sparkling clean and freshly pressed state, I will be the envy of my coworkers and I will remain as disinfected and germ-free as the day that I spilled a bucket of instant hand sanitizer on myself.

And remember my motto: Instant hand sanitizer dries, but a Level A Hazmat Suit lasts forever.

–Troi out

Now you have a new reason to drag your kids kicking and screaming away from their perch in front of the X-Box. A recent study correlates endless hours of mind-numbing computer gaming with, can you believe it, three personality traits associated with Aspergers syndrome, a type of high-functioning autism. These traits are neuroticism, lack of extraversion, and lack of agreeableness. And while the researchers wouldn’t go so far as to label these gamers as having Aspergers syndrome, they do contend that the game addicts “share some of the same characteristics because they find it easier to empathize with computer systems than other people.”

I couldn’t agree more. Thank goodness this problematic behavior is confined to gamers. People such as myself never have to worry about such neurotocism or introverted behavior. Why, it’s not as if I refuse to board a plane because I’m convinced it will crash, nor that my cell phone is currently ringing but I have no plans to answer it because I prefer to continue chatting with my friends via instant messaging. And people like me most certainly don’t suffer from a lack of agreeableness. Quite the opposite, I find that I agree with myself nearly always, and when I program my computer accurately, it agrees with me too. (”Good morning, Troi! You’ve got mail, because you’re so popular! And you’re always right!”)

All kidding aside (my computer doesn’t REALLY say that when I log on–a well-programmed computer never patronizes its user), couldn’t it be said that, generally speaking, computer systems are easier to empathize with than people? Particularly of the opposite gender? My computer is here every night when I get home from work and it’s always willing to communicate the day’s news with me. It takes but a minute to turn it on and it stays on as long as I need it. My computer doesn’t quit working two weeks after our first encounter, and when it’s ready to quit for good, it sends plenty of warning messages*. Can human contact begin to compare with such reliability??

*I have a mac. I cannot speak for PCs but I hear they’re less reliable, like men.

The study I read goes on to state that “there is a scale along which people…can be placed upon…..and that people such as engineers, mathematicians and computer scientists are nearer to the non-empathizing, systemizing, end of the spectrum.”

I like to call this God’s way of balancing the universe. The way I see it, engineers, mathematicians, and computer scientists got all of the brains, so they had to be shorted elsewhere. A deficiency in emotional intelligence for these folks was the only way to equalize the universe so that it wouldn’t collapse upon itself. Therefore, God created two kinds of humans: People who are highly intelligent but who cannot relate to other people, and stupid people who are popular.

When these two strains of human mate, there is born a third type of human: The Average Joe. Due to the high instances of breeding that have taken place since the beginning of time, most existing humans are a hybrid of smart and stupid that embodies the classic Average Joe.

So as you reflect upon this important study, take a good look at yourself and discern into which breed you fall. Are you a gamer? Or do you have stellar social skills? Or are you good at nothing in particular? If you find that you fall into the third category, don’t despair. Simply program your computer to compliment you daily when you turn it on. You probably don’t know how, but call a gamer and ask for his programming assistance. Just don’t mate with him.

*As always, Troi would like to point out that she does not believe what she writes, nor write what she believes.

–Troi out

p.s. Thanks for the link, e. Lucas. I don’t think you act like you have Aspergers. Keep playing those computer games.

My mother values Dr. Phil’s opinion. So when he recently discussed the benefits of lights that kill germs, my mother immediately thought of me. No, not because I am a germ to be killed, but because I attract germs that haven’t yet been killed. In the past month I have successfully caught every germ that my students have generously coughed and sneezed on me.

But a germ light?? I’m sure Dr. Phil is one of the brighter crayons in the box, but I remain unconvinced. After all, my therapy room is already filled with light. I am an advocate for administering speech therapy with the room lights turned on so that students can learn in a well-lit atmosphere. Since Dr. Phil’s advice, I have bought fourteen flashlights that I dutifully shine on students as they walk into the room to kill potential germs. The students complain of being blinded, so I imagine their germs are being blinded as well. I carry a lightbulb around at all times, and I have attached a small reading light to my belt buckle to kill germs that are hiding below eye level.

Yet, inexplicably, the germs are thriving. I know this because I continue to catch them.

Clearly the lights are doing nothing for my immunity. Thus, after donating the bulk of my flashlights, lightbulbs, and reading lights to cavemen living in the dark ages, I called my mother to proclaim Dr. Phil’s inadequacy.

Well, it turns out, says my mother, that not just any light kills germs. (This would have been helpful knowledge before I spent my life savings on the flashlights.) It takes a special kind of light to kill germs. Ultraviolet (UV) Light destroys a microbe’s DNA and prevents it from reproducing.

Now I know what you’re thinking, how is this any more ethical than shining a light on a woman to prevent her from reproducing? Where are the microbe’s rights in this light? What if the microbe wants to reproduce? Is it really our place to render the microbe infertile, stealing its lifelong desire to reproduce and have a family?*

*For more on this important topic, please purchase a copy of my treatise: “The Ethics of Reproduction: An infertile Microbe tells her story.”

Regardless of the ethics, if you continue to find the idea of a germ light appealing, there are several options. The $500 Halo ST-UV is a vacuum with a built-in UV light that shines on the carpet. If your budget is a mite (mite, get it?) too tight, Hammacher Schlemmer offers a Wide-Coverage Germ-Eliminating Wand for a mere $100 which will destroy germs when held over an object at a distance of three inches for 20 seconds. And my personal favorite is the Hammacher Germ Killing Light Gun for $79.95 (see image below), not because it is the most reasonably-priced, but because it looks just like a tricorder from Star Trek: The Next Generation, so I think it might double as a probe for intelligent life on nearby planets.

*Remember, UV lights do not replace the general sanitary practices of handwashing. You should still wash your hands at least twice a month even when equipped with the germ-killing UV light technology.

–Troi out