Cigarettes: Fighting World Hunger, one Butt at a Time!

Portland, OR
6:36pm PST

It’s no secret; cigarettes have a bum rap. Make that a “butt” rap. But no longer, according to new research published in Troi Vogue, Troi Weekly, and Troi Time magazine, that suggests a few cigarettes can do your body good!

Family physicians everywhere are touting the natural appetite suppressants found in cigarette tobacco to help you lose weight and feel great. They recommend a pack of cigarettes in the morning, another pack for lunch, and then a balanced dinner followed by a pack for dessert.

It is thought that nicotine, the addictive poison found in tobacco, reduces appetite as well as impacts eating behaviors, both of which result in reduced body weight, according to this website.

Dr. Kaforkian of Troi Health Associates in NE Portland recommends at least 5 packs of cigarettes a day for the first month to jumpstart your weight loss. He says that due to the number of tobacco-induced deaths, he was at one time skeptical of the 3 packs-a-day diet, but that the enthusiastic responses of his patients made him a believer.

“Just yesterday, I had a patient run a half-marathon, no wait, a half-mile to the nearby cigarette shop,” he shared during his exclusive interview with Troi, “And without the 50 lb weight loss made possible by cigarettes, she never could have achieved this goal!”

When asked for comment, his patient was unable to respond due to a laryngectomy that has left her unable to speak without the help of an Electrolarynx.

“Research used to indicate that the reduced appetite correlated with increased intake of nicotine was a purely psychological effect,” reports Dr. Kaforkian, “But I say, even if that’s true, you can’t exactly eat anything if you always have a cigarette in your mouth instead!”

But perhaps even more far-reaching than its effects on your love handles are its impact on world hunger, starting with your local community.

“People are literally just leaving their groceries on the streets when they realize they’re not hungry anymore,” raves a representative for Marlboring cigarettes who asked to remain anonymous and wore a paper bag over his head during his interview with Troi, “and people who can’t afford groceries are reaping the benefits.”

Local Portlander reaps windfall from friendly local smokers

Local SE Portlander and borderline poor person Adam Smithersmithsonian (pictured above) was fortunate to witness these benefits firsthand on a recent stroll through NE Portland on his way to the posh organic and vegan Blossoming Lotus cafe.

“I was so hungry, because I hadn’t eaten since lunch and it was almost 4:00pm” he says, “And then I just looked down and, next to a couple of hundred cigarette butts, a smoker had left two full boxes of delicious crackers on the ground!”

When asked why he hadn’t taken up smoking to curb his own appetite so that he, too, could begin donating his food surplus to other needy Portlanders, Adam justified his selfish behavior by pointing to research on the health hazards of smoking. The sources of this sketchy research were unconfirmed by Troi at the time of press release.

It remains to be seen if the cigarette diet becomes as big as the low-carb diet that swept the nation a few years back before its founder, Robert Atkins, suffered a heart attack. But one thing’s for certain: if there’s an easy, addictive, and ultimately unhealthy way to lose weight, Americans are sure to find it.

Written by Troi

Editor’s Note: The 3 packs-a-day diet is not recommended for anyone at risk for heart disease or who has high blood pressure or cholesterol. It is also not recommended for anybody who is or may become pregnant, or anybody who has a heart and lungs and wants to keep them.

One Response

  1. theron Says:

    First off, just want to say I love your advice columns. They are always so well researched, and well written. I am seriously considering this diet, because, Lord knows, I have tried everything else and am still a fat-tub-of-lard. My only concern with this particular diet is what happens when Obama pushes his Government Health Care through. Prices of cigarettes are already through the roof because of all the taxes. When Government take over Health Care the price is going to be astronomical. There is also a good chance that smokers will have to pay extra money for Government Health Care because of the “alleged” health risks of smoking. So my question is, once we have Government Health Care do you think I will be able to afford cigarettes and a place to live? Or will I have to become one of the thousand of homeless people in America who get money from the government for cigarettes and health care without contributing any money to the system? At the same time, when we do finally get Government Health Care those people who eat red meat, drink alcohol, partake in to many carbs, butter and/or salt, etc. basically anyone who lives to eat, rather than eats to live will also have to pay more. So probably we will all be homeless waiting for our government support. So I guess the real question is, do you want to be fat and homeless or skinny and homeless?

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