Dirty Donuts

Continuing with the blog theme of carbohydrate-heavy breakfast foods, let us now move on to donuts. Bad donuts. And by bad, I mean naughty.

I stopped in at the nearby Voodoo donut shop to buy a couple dozen donuts for a middle school and high school youth group event that I was hosting at a church. It was decidedly early in the morning, and I figured that coffee and donuts was the only way to survive the long day ahead. (Have you ever seen a bunch of caffeinated middle school students? It was a bad idea.) Entering Voodoo donuts, I asked for an assortment of donuts.

“Any in particular?” the cashier asked.

“Nope, just whatever you have. And a few vegan ones,” I replied.

I didn’t think to peer inside the boxes as I left the donut shop. After all, donuts are donuts, right?

As the young, previously innocent middle school students opened the box to begin consuming the donuts (while I chugged a keg of coffee), I noticed that they were gathering with interest around a few particular donuts.

“Um….” they began tentatively. “What is THIS one supposed to be?”

I managed to pull myself away from the coffee long enough to set my eyes upon a donut that was shaped exactly like…..well this is a PG-rated blog so I can’t actually tell you, but it rhymes with “rock and walls.”

Not really the type of donut that should be brought to a church event.

Under duress, I find that my lying skills take a nosedive.

“That’s the Cross,” I answered in a panic.

“Then why is it frosted with the words ‘sweet lovin’?” one youth asked.

“Because you know, the Cross exemplifies the love that Jesus has for us,” I responded, as I mentally plotted how to seize and destroy the donut before any adult church members began walking by.

“What about this one?”

There was ANOTHER ONE?? What was Voodoo donuts trying to do, get me FIRED??

“It looks like a –”

“No, no,” I cut them off, starting to hyperventilate. “You’re holding it upside down. It’s actually shaped like an ice cream cone.”

“Really?” they continued. “Because it sure does look like a–”

They couldn’t finish the sentence because I was already devouring the donut to dispose of the evidence.

While the rest of the morning passed without incident, I did learn a valuable lesson that day, and it would be remiss to exclude you, Loyal Blog Reader, of said lesson. While there are many innocuous donuts out there, please anticipate during your next trip to Voodoo donuts that every donut is guilty until proven innocent. Investigate its origins, shape, size, jelly or custard filling, family tree, criminal history, and aspirations for the future, to assess the risk of a given donut before buying it, and certainly before presenting it at a Church event. Using this simple process, you will find yourself avoiding the unfortunate predicament in which I found myself that morning.

–Troi out

One Response

  1. Theron Says:

    Now that is just funny! I love naughty dognuts. But then again you did just ask for an assortment of whatever.

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