Football: A follow-up

Dear Blog Reader,
The responses I received regarding my Superbowl post were overwhelming. In particular, I would like to share with you the letter of response I received from the coach of the New York Giants:

Attn: Ingenious Blog Writer
From: Me, the Coach of the New York Giants, the winning Superbowl team
Thank you for your suggestion that rather than engage in physical contact through the practice of “tackling,” we compromise and let each team take the ball a certain number of yards down the field. It sounds like you are just the blog writer to head our football revolution in which we draw up new, nonviolent rules so that we can minimize costs by cutting out the need for protective gear. We also find that simply too many people watch the Superbowl, and I believe your suggestions will also minimize our audience members. I would like to hear your other ideas.
Gratefully yours,
Coach of the New York Giants

Well, coach of the New York Giants, you have come to the right place. As a person who works with young children (even though I was strongly advised against it), there are certain teaching techniques one uses with children that would come in handy if employed in your little game. Listed here are the top five suggestions:

5. Prepare your players for the consequences of bad sportsmanship (“If you can’t share the football, nobody gets it!”). If they don’t share, follow through by taking away the football for at least one full quarter and making them play with something else instead. I suggest a tennis ball.

4. When two teams are greedy, one football just isn’t enough. I suggest using two footballs to accommodate the needs of both teams.

3. Distract the players from their purpose. When children are upset, they are easily distracted from their tantrum when the right food is dangled in front of their faces. Distract the players by telling them Jessica Simpson is in the audience. I hear that works.

2. Change the object of the game. Perhaps the new object can be to see who can throw the ball the farthest. Without the need for touchdowns, the players will not become so preoccupied with securing the football.

1. Teach the players about conscientious objection. They have the right to decline to tackle based on their desire to preserve the physical and emotional well-being of their opponents (who we will now refer to simply as “members of an equal yet insignificantly different yet no less valuable team”).

I hope that these suggestions benefit the integrity of football and football watchers worldwide.

-Troi out

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