Forever is a Long Time

So today I received yet another announcement of impending nuptials from a good friend of mine. I have been receiving a great deal of said announcements recently. I believe this is because in our mid-late twenties we enter into the “SeTtling Down” phase, or what I like to abbreviate as the “STD” phase.

….I’ve just been notified by my publicist that this is not an acceptable abbrevation for my topic. Apparently it’s already been taken. Thus, we will refer to this phase as the “settling phase,” the phase that inevitably accompanies the general physical transformation (read: decline) that men and women (but particularly women) undergo during this time period.

How exactly do I respond to such announcements of upcoming marriages, spoken with the ignorance of joy? Congratulations that you will soon be yoked for all eternity to another human being, until one of you gets let off the hook by either your death, or the death of your partner?*

See, that statement doesn’t have a very nice ring to it, and could be misinterpreted as a lack of support for your friend’s engagement. Yet to feign an act of jubilance at their imminent situation is simply dishonest.*

Thus, for your benefit I have considered and arrived at several enthusiastic yet neutral statements that can be made when you are confronted with future announcements of permanent coupledom.

“Wow! Forever! What a long time! He must really like you!”

This is an excellent response because it contains an exclamation, a statement of fact, an opinion, and yet skirts the issue of your feelings on the matter entirely.

“Where did he propose? What did he say? How did he do it?”

Once again, this is a solid response because it is so loaded with interrogatives that your opinion is not factored into the conversation at all.

“Hey speaking of weddings, I read the most interesting story about prenuptial agreements in a recent story on Britney and K-Fed…..”

This response is commonly utilized to plant seeds of prenuptial agreements in your friend’s mind, critical to the success of any subsequent divorce.

Please respond with comments if you have other suggestions of appropriate responses that can be used in the occasion of notices of permanent unions.

*The author of this blog would like to note that her comments on this topic of wedded bliss are loaded with sarcasm, and may not express her true feelings on the matter of marriage. The author of this blog feels 80% confident that all of her friends will be in the 50% of marriages that are successful, and that those who are not her friends will be in the 50% of marriages that end in divorce. Therefore, the author of this blog suggests that you become friends with her if you would like for your marriage to last.

–Troi out

One Response

  1. Theron Says:

    Gee, that is one way to pull friends.

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