Dear Readers,
Upon returning home from work today, I was delighted to receive a voice mail from an employee of my beloved* state farm agent inquiring as to whether I was interested in receiving a quote on renter’s insurance or life insurance.
*Yes, the very same state farm agent who last year asked me over the phone whether I was a bad driver, or simply a good driver with bad luck—- to which I responded something to the effect of “I’ll take ‘good driver’ for $200, sir, since that’s what I’m paying monthly to keep this insurance plan”—- but that’s a story for another time, when the tickets have fallen off of my record and I can speak more freely.
It was lovely for my state farm agent to think of me for renter’s insurance, although being that he is in charge of my homeowner’s insurance on the condo that I own, I would, perhaps naively, have hoped he would be privy to the fact that I’m not so much in need of renter’s insurance. And as I agonize over this perplexing voice mail I received eight minutes ago, I’m becoming convinced that perhaps he is privy to something I’m not, such as—-for example—-a massive fault line directly straddled by my Portland condominium, and perhaps my insurance agent has a direct line to God, or to an exceptionally gifted meteorologist who offered him a tip on tonight’s downtown Portland earthquake in exchange for $20 off his car insurance. FOR EXAMPLE.
And don’t even get me started on his proposal that I acquire life insurance, because I’ve already decided not to leave my soon-to-be earthquake–ravaged dwelling lest I get hit by a bus or meteor until I’ve gotten this overzealous employee on the phone to find out exactly from whom he’s getting his information on my impending death, and why nobody mentioned it to me.
I haven’t worked it all out yet, but I’m thinking maybe this fictitious earthquake has something to do with my make-believe death.
Either that, or my beloved state farm insurance agency (I picked them for their awesome jingle, which I use to sing myself to sleep at night, which may have something to do with my recent break-up…?) is going under, and calling everybody with a proffer of quotes on life and renter’s insurance to bolster finances whether or not we live on a giant fault line of death. Either way, it’s best I start looking for a back-up agent. Here’s what I’ve found:
GEICO
Pros: 15 minutes could save me 15% or more on my car insurance.
Cons: I think they’re getting kickbacks from PETA, because they employ lizards instead of real humans.
PROGRESSIVE
Pros: They’re “progressive,” which dictionary.com tells me is “characterized by such progress, or by continuous improvement.” I feel warm and fuzzy and like I’m contributing in some important way to humanity when I choose Progressive.
Cons: I don’t think they’re actually progressive. I think they just want you to feel warm and fuzzy and like you’re contributing in some important way to humanity when you choose Progressive.
ALLSTATE
Pros: They’re available in all states. I assume.
Cons: I wonder if they’re available in Oregon.
Having exhausted myself with the laborious process of researching insurance companies online, I will now ruminate on the various options before making my final decision. Which I will need to make tonight, before the earthquake. And meteor.
–Troi out