Manicurious


Yes, that really is Troi’s thumb

Speaking of beer drinking tree shrews, I decided last week to get a manicure. At the age of 28, I’ve actually never gotten one. And I hear that it’s one of those things you have to do before you turn thirty, like, you know, going to Vegas, or reading a book. I’ve resisted this female beauty custom because I was concerned that the nail specialists who work there would take one look at my thumbs, which are half the height and twice the width of the average woman’s thumb, and ridicule me right out of the salon. But more about my deformed digits later.

I bravely entered the nail salon and approached the lady at the counter.

“Hi,” I started out tentatively, “I want…..um…..fake nails, please.”

“A set? Acrylic, gel, or silk wrap? Color? French?” she responded.

Once she defined all of the adjectives and I chose my Acrylic French Manicure, I followed a cranky Asian lady (who I’ve named SAL, which stands for Scary Asian Lady) back to the manicure desk. She looked at my nails in disgust.

“You never have manicure before?” She said it accusingly, like she took it as a personal affront that I hadn’t spent my hard-earned money on increasing the asthetics of my fingernails.

We spent the majority of the manicure in silence, with her scrubbing away at my nail beds (that’s where the nails sleep when they get tired), occasionally muttering in Asian what I’m sure were criticisms of the sheer unattractiveness of my previously un-beautified hands. I sat in silence, even when another employee decided to clean the wall right next to me and Windex vapor drifted onto my arms, bathing me in a nice Windex shower. (I didn’t even have to pay for the Windex–it came free with my grumpy manicurist!)

Then my manicurist got to my thumbs. “Those your REAL thumbs?” she asked in horror.

It’s true. As previously mentioned, my thumbs are twice as wide and half as tall as the typical thumb. In order to fit an acrylic nail on my thumb, my angry manicurist had to dig into the colossal acrylics pile generally set aside for, I imagine, Hagrid the giant, and maybe The Rock. If they were into getting manicures.

But yes, they are my real thumbs. You just can’t fake something like that.

“How long you want?” asked Sal, my manicurist. I explained that I wanted very short acrylic tips, since I play piano. She nodded curtly, and proceeded to give me nail tips that appeared long enough that I could actually touch the opposite wall six feet away just by lifting a finger. Or maybe the Windex was getting to me. At any rate, I looked ridiculous. Long nails fit in with me just about as well as I would fit in with beer-drinking tree shrews in the rainforests of Malaysia.

But you don’t argue with Sal when she has a sharp cutting tool in her hands. She grasped those fingernail clippers like they were weed wackers, and I could just see her plotting to wack off the better half of my thumbs so that they better blended in with the rest of my digits.

For those manicure virgins out there who have the urge to dash to the nearest salon after reading my blog post, I’d like to offer a piece of advice. No matter what, do NOT ask the question, “So how long do these things stay on before they fall off?”

Not that it’s not a valid question. Nine out of ten of my acrylic tips have already found their way off my fingers (I think that my hands repel them–I think they’re looking for a more prim and proper owner). But the question will unequivocally offend your manicurist, and she’ll suddenly remember how to speak English again.

“The nails don’t fall off!” Sal screeched when I asked the fatal question. “They stay put, they good nails!”

And they did stay put. Nearly four days.

All in all, I would have to give my manicure two giant deformed thumbs up.

Please stay tuned for next week’s beauty blog:

Eyebrow Waxing: Not Just for Eyebrows Anymore

–Troi out

3 Responses

  1. Ingrid Says:

    Hey!
    Just read your manicure horror story, and it really caught my eye because I was thinking of getting my nails done before I school too.. ha-ha-haa, but I have always been afraid of the same thing.. grouchy manicurist.
    I have had my share of really ”nice” hairdressers, dentists and dermatologists.. etc. So if I have to face another ”friendly” person who I have to trust with myself.. well I really don’t think that I could take it.
    So I totally know what you were feeling .. 😀 and well I would have felt sooo utterly uncomfortable sitting there if I were you .. haha 😀

    Anyway, take care..
    and you do have a nice blog going here 🙂
    I’ll sure come back soon..

    Ingrid

  2. Can Your Kindle Hold a Candle to My Book? | Trekkychick Says:

    […] in the other, and click the “next page” button with either my chin or the excess flesh on my giant thumb. • Flexible text size. I can magnify the text until only a few words are visible on the screen, […]

  3. Ken Arnold Says:

    So I have a website and blog now for you to follow. I’ll follow you if you’ll follow me. As for eyebrow waxing, the less said the better.

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