Trekkychick

Rule #1: Know Your Bait–Oops, I mean MATE

There are several classic male types with whom you will come into contact during your online dating experience. For your convenience, I classify the primary types here.

1) The Illusionist

The Illusionist boasts a nice profile, replete with humor, decent pics, and allusions to his being considered a “southern gentleman” by his friends. You are excited to meet him because he seems so gosh darn pleasant, well-meaning, and levelheaded. When you meet in person (which we will now refer to by the acronym MIP), all images from the profile disappear and *poof* in its place appears an awkward, creepy, perverted man who, for a “southern gentleman” swears like a mother…..would not approve of.

2) The One Who’s Been Screwed Over One Too Many Times

When you show up to MIP, this one (who we’ll refer to simply as Screwed) exclaims, “You actually showed up!” This is not a good sign. When you sit down, he instantly launches into a diatribe about why he has not had success in online dating, placing all responsibility on the WOMEN. He insists that women are looking for “prince charming” and due to our unrealistic expectations, we are immediately disappointed by him and don’t give him a chance. My thoughts on the matter are that we don’t give Screwed a chance due to his sleep-inducing monotone, high-pitched voice, and raging diatribe against the very gender he is trying to lure. Don’t bite the lips that you’re hoping will kiss you….

3) The Desperate Old Guy

The Desperate Old Guy, who we’ll refer to henceforth by the acronym DOG, is 45 and searching for women who are 18-35. The DOG thinks he can actually get this. Do not by any means feed this preposterous notion and do not MIP with the DOG.

4. The Stalker

The Stalker winked at you last week. He winked at you this week. He has sent you fourteen emails to convey that match.com thinks you are a 97% match. You have never felt stronger that 3% makes a huge difference. If you MIP with The Stalker, you will have to immediately enter the WPP (witness protection program).

5) The Normal Guy

The Normal Guy is handsome, intelligent, funny, thoughtful, employed, and by all intents and purposes would make an excellent partner. You will probably not be attracted to the Normal Guy.

I hope that Rule #1 will help you, women of the world (henceforth to be referred to by the acronym WOW), to filter through some of the online men of the world. It is my hope that my male counterpart may suggest similar guidelines for the men of the world (MOWs).