People and their Pets

Dear Readers,

I tend these days toward not having pets, as it is with unprecedented frequency that they tend to perish while under my care, even supposedly easy pets like fish or those sea monkeys that you buy in a box of freeze-dried sea monkey egg powder that apparently live forever if you just remember to feed them once every six months (I didn’t). So I figured, why not volunteer with the pets, and then send them back to their owners to bother with the troublesome details of feeding, bathing, and—-if you’re Paris Hilton—-clothing them and giving them cell phones.

And so it came to pass that I spent a day photographing people’s pets with Santa Claus. Mind you, this was not the REAL Santa Claus, which I figured out when the pets, disgruntled and frantic in their ridiculous Christmas sweaters and bows, incessantly clawed off the imposter’s stick-on beard. Imposter Claus, like me, was volunteering at the event because half of every photo purchase went directly to help homeless pets. Spending the day at Petsmart (Petsmart: Where the Pets Fart, or however their jingle goes), was not unlike spending the day at any retail store targeted at human consumers, except that it was entirely unlike any retail store targeted at human consumers.

For example, during my down time when I wandered the aisles in search of good reading material, I found not Newsweek or People magazine, but rather checkstands that were fully stocked with old standby’s like Bulldogs USA and Shiatzu weekly. (I can’t imagine having to look at a Shiatzu every week.)

I found a wide variety of fancy foods for the prosperous pets who live with doctors, lawyers, and Paris Hilton, including Canine Cuisine Cookies replete with frosting and sprinkles. The frosting didn’t fool me; I figured the doggie dessert was like a broccoli ball at a fancy restaurant—-however you dress it up it’s still made of broccoli.

Until I looked at the ingredients and found that only the finest organic ingredients went into the making of these delectable treats. So here we measly humans are, eating genetically-modified foods laced with hormones and pesticides out of aluminum cans and plastic bottles contributing to brain-wasting diseases, while dogs are being gradually groomed to rule the world with their Newman’s Own organic doggy delights with brain-boosting antioxidant power!*

*I’ve just been informed by my editor that I have just crossed the line from adorably neurotic into profoundly paranoid and that dogs won’t be ruling the world for at least another 5-7 years or until the culmination of Obama’s first presidential term (marked by universal health care for dogs). But you heard it here first, Readers. This world is going to the dogs.

In between reading the latest installment of Bulldogs, USA, and munching on frosted canine cuisine cookies, I managed to take a few good pictures (I don’t mean to brag, but approximately one good picture for every 500 failed attempts to coerce a 150 lb dog into looking at the camera and posing next to Santa—-that’s a good success rate, yes?).

And you can visit your local Petsmart to purchase a photograph of your pet with Santa, knowing that half of your purchase supports homeless pets. And we need to be nice to our homeless pets, because I’ve heard a rumor—-because I started it—-that they’ll be in Congress soon. And I want them to vote Yes for universal health care for humans.

–Troi out

One Response

  1. Tina T Says:

    Oh how I wish that you had added some photos with this post, although you described it well and I can picture most of it in my head. How nice of you to help homeless pets.

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