Pluto: It’s Just a Dog

So for those of you who have had your head stuck in a paper bag for the past few years, you may not have heard the important news. And for those of you who decided to flee the planet Earth because you were worried that overpopulation was unfairly superseding your fair share of oxygen consumption, DON’T FLEE TO PLUTO. Pluto is no longer considered a planet and you will just have to leave and go elsewhere.

I know you’re angry, and wishing I’d written this blog a few years ago ago, before you settled on Pluto and bought a Pluto house and sent your children to Pluto school, but I’ve been busy. The least I can do is share with you what I know of this tragic planetary demotion. As I understand it, the IAU (International Astromical Union) met recently to propose a finalized definition of the term “planet.” The IAU determined a planet to be “an object that orbits the sun, forms itself into a sphere, and has enough gravitational pull to clear its path of space debris.”

Unfortunately for the Planet Formerly Known as Pluto (PFKAP**), Pluto apparently “does not sweep its neighborhood clear and has an orbit that is much more eccentric.” Now hold on just a minute! If I am to understand that quote correctly, it appears that there are some strong prejudicial tendencies spilling over into this IAU convention. So Pluto does not sweep its neighborhood clear? Excuse me, but I hardly think the fact that Pluto is a messier planet than the others necessitates its removal as a planet! Did the IAU consider sitting Pluto down and asking it nicely to clean its neighborhood? Perhaps giving Pluto a few hours of community service? A class that teaches the importance of recycling? I’m not going to name names here, but I have to wonder if the IAU is being influenced by anyone on planet Earth in that one country, the United States, with this philosophy that reasonable communication should at all costs be avoided in favor of removal of the problem entirely.

But it gets even worse! The IAU continues on to suggest that Pluto should not be a planet because its orbit is eccentric. According to my American Century Dictionary, eccentric means “odd or capricious in behavior or appearance.” (Sure, there are other definitions, but my time is too valuable to read on.) So Pluto’s demotion regards its unique behavior and appearance? Could we BE any more prejudiced against this poor, innocent, but apparently WEIRD former planet?? All Pluto wanted was to be different, to seek out an orbit that went against the crowd, and we have to BAN it from planetary status? Are you outraged too? (I thought not.)

Well, I’m having a hard time letting this planet go. I have fond memories of playing with the electronic geography toy from Natural Wonders my parents bought me as a child, happily clicking the planets, which included Pluto, into order and receiving a reassuring happy BEEP from the toy when I correctly identified each planet. I”m sure you all have similarly fond memories of Pluto. I’m sure you are also having a hard time pronouncing the term “PFKAP” without spitting on your neighbor.

Thankfully, you don’t have to call the Planet Formerly Known As Pluto by the term PFKAP. A name has been chosen already, and PFKAP has now been christened “asteroid number 134340.” (I know, I think it has a nice ring to it too.) Please don’t concern yourselves that in the near future human beings will also be referred to by numbers rather than names, or that messy or eccentric humans will be demoted from personhood status.

I would write more, but I am heading out to get my new government-approved Person ID number imprinted into my wrist. Maybe I’ll see you there.

**The author of this blog, the Person Formerly Known As Me (PFKAM), coined the term PFKAP for purposes of this blog only, and assumes no responsibility for blank stares from readers’ friends when using the term PFKAP in conversation.

–Troi out

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