Relationship Relocation

Dear loyal blog reader,

We all know that the difficulty moving past a relationship is linked in part to the inevitable memories you’ll experience in the aftermath of the breakup, as explored in This fascinating post by Troi.

However, these internal memories are propagated by external reminders that exist everywhere. I, for example, daily pass by Mt. Scott Blvd, walk down grocery aisles filled with Scott brand tissue paper, and my best male friend of the platonic persuasion is cursed with the same appellation, rendering me unable to escape a single moment scott-free.

But harder is walking into the bar where you had your first drink with The Ex, walking into the movie theater where you took The Ex to a movie you hoped he’d like, catching a glimpse of The Ex’s favorite sports team, a CD with The Ex’s favorite band, or a song The Ex mentioned he liked once as it played on the radio in the car. How do we move past this problem? It is not practical (and it can be dangerous, I found) to walk around the city with our eyes closed in fear of encountering a tangible token of the existence of The Ex. And it is unpleasant to eliminate entirely the act of leaving your apartment to ensure that you avoid any bars, movie theaters, or other buildings that may ignite similar recollections. And you may ultimately regret trashing your television, computer, entire CD collection, and car stereo. I know I did.

So I’m here to tell you, there is a better way! It is called “Relationship Relocation.” Relationship Relocation (RR) is the act of confining your current relationship to one or more locations to which, in the instance of breakup, it is unlikely you’ll ever return. Enjoy your current relationship while it lasts in the confines of an area that you will not frequent after the breakup. I suggest Iceland. Make sure that you and your current partner fly on separate planes to your designated “Relationship headquarters” in Iceland to extinguish any possibility that future plane rides will be tainted by memories of you cuddling with The Ex. On your isolated plane ride, resist the temptation to listen to any songs, read any books, or watch any in-flight movies, as these songs, books, and/or in-flight movies will surely betray you in the cruel form of memories when you come across these items after the breakup.

While you spend an evening in Iceland with your current partner, do not eat at restaurants that are chains. Research the restaurant thoroughly and grill the owner to ensure that there are no plans to expand Iceland’s Italian Indulgences to any of the 50 states. (Or to Italy, where you may want to travel one day.)

In Iceland you may get bored. Resist the urge to watch a movie or play a board game with your current partner. These, too, will become tainted after the breakup and spelling your favorite word backwards will never be quite the same again. Do not discuss anything of interest with your current partner while in Iceland, such as your life goals (because then you’ll have to change them) or your hobbies (because then you’ll have to change those too).

For more ideas on how to compartmentalize your relationship through the act of Relationship Relocation, please see and enter your name, birthdate, the last four digits of your social security number, your bank account number, your pin number, and your annual household income. Once I have all of your personal information, I will be more than happy to breakup-proof your current relationship to ensure a pleasant post-breakup existence! Go to my fictitious website now, you’ll be glad you did! 🙂

-Troi out


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