Skinny Jeans and the Mystery of the Mirror

Dear Readers,

Have you ever tried on a pair of jeans in the store that looked just so good that it was worth all tlhe money in your checkbook, as well as your credit card, your other credit card, your laundry machine quarters, your snack machine PMS emergency quarters, and the pennies under the mattress that you were saving to put toward your next 1/8 gallon of gas; but upon arriving at home you find that the jeans don’t look quite so good in your mirror? Thus sending you spinning into a panic about how you could have possibly gained 10 pounds in the short car ride home from the mall??

Me neither. But it happened to my friend.

She told me the other day that upon a recent trip to the Gap there was something stretchy going on. And I’m not talking about the type of jeans. I’m talking about the distorted, funhouse-esque mirror image reflected back at her, an image that was stretched to nudge unsuspecting consumers into admiring their taller, thinner reflections, thereby increasing their likelihood of buying the product!

I know, I maintain a sentiment of shocked disbelief as well. After all, I imagine the companies marketing their brand are too virtuous to resort to such cunning deception.

So I decided to investigate my friend’s preposterous claim by doing some investigation, Troi-style.*

*Investigation that is Troi-style is like sushi that is rotary-style. Quick and affordable but not as good.

I hopped on the internet, typed “mirrors at Gap store distort body” into Google, and I took the first result that pertained to my topic as undeniable fact. This result was this blog site in which the author contends, “…There is more trickery, department stores have a little something called the “skinny mirror”, and it distorts your image in the mirror to give the allusion of flawlessness.”

In keeping with my topic, I will attempt to resist the temptation to make an allusion to the fact that the writer spelled “illusion” wrong.

The SKINNY mirror!! I KNEW it!! Evil upon evil!! But why??! Why would they DO this to us???!

The answer is simple: There is a little thing called the “thigh-space continuum.” Perhaps you’ve heard of it. And as we get older, the thigh-space continuum begins to shift. Let me simplify this complex concept for the less scientifically-inclined readers in the audience. When we are younger, our thighs take up less space. As we get older, they slowly begin to take up more space. This is due to the shifting thigh-space continuum.

When the shift nears completion, rendering the average adult woman’s thighs so large that they no longer fit into the tiny space allowed by the brand name jeans designed for small children and actresses being spoon-fed carb-free shakes by their nutritionista-of-the-hour, these adult women stop buying brand name jeans. Instead they begin to favor the Geriatric Jeans. These are the formless, shapeless jeans that are the equivalent of a burlap sack made out of denim.

But department stores don’t WANT this! To make the most profit, they need women on both sides of the thigh-space continuum to buy their brand-name jeans! Therefore, they must buy these “skinny mirrors” about which the abovementioned blogger writes, so that no matter where we exist on the thigh-space continuum, we look POSITIVELY FABULOUS in the dressing room. Who cares how we look once we’ve returned home, as long as we’ve taken off the tag??

Thank you to my anonymous friend (I mean, she’s not anonymous to me. I know who she is. But you don’t.) for alerting us all to this serious problem afflicting department stores. It is truly the mirror image of exactly what’s plaguing this consumer-driven society and its members caught in the shifting thigh-space continuum.

–Troi out

One Response

  1. Bryan Says:

    Ever think that maybe you just have a fat mirror at home?

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