Stuck in the Bathroom

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Dear Loyal Blog Reader,

Nobody knows my secret but you. I am confiding the following information to you with the explicit understanding that you will keep it confidential. Do not go spreading it around, for example, posting it on the internet and such, thereby breaking this bond of trust we’ve built over the past…..few weeks…..of blogging.

I tend to get stuck in bathrooms. I used to assume this happened to everybody, but the regularity with which it has happened of late has given me cause to stop and ponder whether the high frequency of occurrance of these bathroom lock-ins is higher in my life than, for example, in yours.

A brief chronology of these “bathroom incidents” will bring you up to speed on this phenomenon.

1596 A.D. John Harrington invents the toilet for Queen Elizabeth I.

1990 A.D. During an outdoor hiking trip with my girl scout troop, I get stuck in the port-a-potty. The group continues on the hike until they count heads. Everyone, including my own mother who was an assistant on the hike, says, “Who is missing? We just can’t figure it out!” They finally trace their way back to the port-a-potty, where they hear me crying out in desperation, “I want to LIVE! Help me….”

1999 A.D. The lock gets stuck in a bathroom in one of the college dorms. I am inside. Eventually I am rescued.

2001 A.D. I am enjoying a cheese quesadilla at a Mexican restaurant with friends when I excuse myself to go to the bathroom. The door sticks. With Mexican music blaring throughout the restaurant, nobody hears my shouts of, “Wait for me, oh quesadilla of love! I will come back for you…” That quesadilla suffers from abandonment issues to this day.

2007 A.D. I work for a district that emphasizes the importance of conserving energy. Employees are to turn off the lights when they leave a room. Employees are apparently so dedicated to conserving energy that they turn off the lights while I am still peeing in a stall. It is pitch black and I can’t find my way out of the bathroom.

Today, A.D. They do it again. What, do I need to carry a night light with me to the bathroom in anticipation of these blackouts??

More shocking than getting stuck in a bathroom an average of once every 5 years is that there has not yet been a country song written about this. Country singers write about all sorts of tragedies, and they haven’t yet considered the untapped resource that is the woe of fearing living one’s life trapped in the throes of the porcelain throne??

Well, it stops here and now. Today I acknowledge all of the pour souls who, like me, fear the bathroom stall as a potential prison cell from which there is no escape. This song is dedicated to all out there who are like me. If there are none, this song is dedicated to me.

Stuck in the Bathroom (best sung with a country twang)

“I got stuck in the bathroom (again)”
There just was no way out!
The music was so loud out there
that no one heard me shout.

I’m still stuck in the bathroom,
Seems to happen every day.
Might as well get used to it,
Here forever will I stay.”

** “Stuck in the Bathroom,” the new hit single from Troi, is in such high demand that it is only available at her exclusive website, www.snailsandsugar.com. That’s right, you will not (yet) find it on your local country music station, VH1, MTV, or PBS. Only www.snailsandsugar.com offers you an exclusive look at Troi’s new music video for “Stuck in the Bathroom.” Other smash hits from her new CD (entitled “Bringing Sexy Bathrooms Back”) include “I got the Bathroom Blues” and “How’d it get so Dark in Here?” Please check back frequently for Troi’s music video, which will not soon be entering a music store near you.

–Troi out

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2 Responses

  1. Theron "Oh God" McClure Says:

    It is completely weird that more songs are not written about being locked in a bathroom because so many words rhyme with locked, stuck, and bathroom. The problem I see is that so many more people are concerned with being locked out of the bathroom, than being locked in.

  2. Jaz Says:

    I have to admit that I, too, am one who is more concerned about the lock-out than the lock-in. Yet, in all honesty, there could come a time that the affliction might just visit me as well. Therefore, I support your country songs wholeheartedly! 🙂

    Might I suggest a lock picker and a flashlight of some type to take with you? Possibly some lubricant for those stuck doors. A megaphone for those times when the music is too loud? Of course, that would be a mighty big purse but probably worth it.

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