Trekkychick

I’ve always boycotted Valentine’s Day in good fun. Coercing couples into spending unnecessary money on unnecessary gifts, commercializing what should be private and intimate, and presuming that a partner cannot be relied upon to choose his or her own day to shower a loved one with affection.

(Although some partners cannot. I won’t name names here. I would use a pseudonym but for the children in the audience.)

After a break-up, I find that while I still boycott Valentine’s Day, it’s not so much in good fun. I now contend not only all of the above, but also that Valentine’s Day discriminates against single people. That’s right. We live in a society where I could get shot dead for uttering “Merry Christmas” so I want to make it clear that if you so much as whisper “Happy Valentine’s Day” in my general direction I won’t think twice about piercing you through the heart with Cupid’s arrow.

(Being a nonviolent person, I will use a small plastic arrow that won’t actually break the skin and will probably just bounce off of you. But I think you’ll get the message loud and clear.)

At any rate, regardless of the reasons, I find the imminent threat of this exploitive day of pathetic romantic superfluousness encroaching on my calm. The extinction of my surface calm, revealing the anti-cupid icy interior, took only a second grade student. The brutal dialogue follows:

Student: “Ms. Troi, when are we making hearts for Valentine’s Day for your board?”

Me: “There are snowmen and gingerbread men on the board. I’d rather not take them down.”

Student: “But you need to take them down to make room for the pink and red hearts for Valentine’s Day!

Me: “No, we’ll just keep the gingerbread men and snowmen up. It’s still winter.”

Increasingly Annoying Student: “But why can’t we make hearts and put them up instead in honor of Valentine’s Day?”

Me: “Look, kid, if it’s pink, or if it’s in the shape of a heart, it ain’t going on that white board! If you absolutely insist on drawing and coloring a heart, then be my guest, but we’re not posting it on the white board, it’s either gotta leave the room when you do or it’s going straight to the recycling bin! This is my office, and I have to look at that damn* white board when you leave, and I’m not looking at any pink hearts! Now I absolutely will not think twice about giving you a referral if I hear you utter the word “Valentine’s,” the word “Day” or any combination thereof. And you will be expelled for saying pink heart! Do I make myself perfectly clear??”**

*Expletives added for dramatic effect.

**The preceding events, dialogue, characters, sentence structures, and past tense verbs may or may not have been changed to protect the anonymity of the offending parties, or in fact may have been entirely falsified for purposes of writing this blog. Any similarities between the preceding events, dialogue, characters, sentence structures, or past tense verbs are purely coincidental and do not reflect the beliefs of the author of this blog. However, the words “pink hearts” are completely truthful and were uttered, if not during this conversation, at some other point in the history of the world.

Whether or not the aforementioned event actually took place, the fact remains: Be watchful on Valentine’s Day because I will take every opportunity to poke you with my tiny plastic arrow.

-Troi out