Think Marriage Is Bad For Your Health? “I do.”

Engagement diamond or polar ice cap? Impossible to tell.

Dear Readers,

So as yet another single female friend recently jumped onto the wedding-band wagon, I could no longer sit silently by without issuing this warning to the world (or, the eight readers of my blog):

Marriage is a safety hazard.

You think I joke, but I’m trying to save lives here. Have you seen the size of the average engagement ring these days? (You have, but you mistook it for one of those melting polar ice caps, since they’re about the same size.) These rings are twice the size of the women wearing them. It’s like trying to lug an ice rink around by your finger. And as more women fall prey to marriage, the number of cases of ring-fingeritis (inflammation of the finger that bears the weight of a lifetime commitment) has skyrocketed. Ring-fingeritis now ranks among the leading cause of finger loss in women under the age of 35. (Second only to chopping them off inadvertently while trying to cook stir fry, although I’m still glad I gave it a go.)

But finger loss is only the beginning. Wearing an engagement diamond also increases one’s risk of being assaulted by a burglar looking to upgrade his or her style by investing—-freely—-in better jewelry. Nobody takes a burgler without glistening diamonds encased in a shiny platinum band seriously, whereas a burgler wearing an engagement diamond commands a sort of dignified respect as he catches the light just right with a reflective finger, momentarily blinding his victim and whisking her wallet away. As you can probably imagine, crime rates, like lost fingers, have also escalated since the rise of the giant engagement ring.

I implore you, Readers, to step up to the ring—-instead of wearing it—-and fight for your fingers! Take a stand against finger loss and burglary. Because “I do” think I’ve warned you sufficiently.

–Troi out

2 Responses

  1. Ellen Says:

    My opinion has always been, the bigger the ring, the bigger the expectations of marriage, and the greater chance the marriage will reap disappointment. My observation has been that people over 35 who get married have simpler tastes in rings and I think it’s because by that time they bring emotional shell-shock from past relationships into their marriage, so there’s no need to hide the truth behind a ring. Then again I’m cynical.

  2. theron Says:

    I kid you not! The very next website I went to after reading your blog, which happened to be the weather site to see what the weather will be like tomorrow during work hours, had a giant advertisement for engagement rings up to 5 carats. You cannot escape it, marriage is the Big Business of the United States.

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