UV Rays: Not Just for Skin Cancer Anymore!

My mother values Dr. Phil’s opinion. So when he recently discussed the benefits of lights that kill germs, my mother immediately thought of me. No, not because I am a germ to be killed, but because I attract germs that haven’t yet been killed. In the past month I have successfully caught every germ that my students have generously coughed and sneezed on me.

But a germ light?? I’m sure Dr. Phil is one of the brighter crayons in the box, but I remain unconvinced. After all, my therapy room is already filled with light. I am an advocate for administering speech therapy with the room lights turned on so that students can learn in a well-lit atmosphere. Since Dr. Phil’s advice, I have bought fourteen flashlights that I dutifully shine on students as they walk into the room to kill potential germs. The students complain of being blinded, so I imagine their germs are being blinded as well. I carry a lightbulb around at all times, and I have attached a small reading light to my belt buckle to kill germs that are hiding below eye level.

Yet, inexplicably, the germs are thriving. I know this because I continue to catch them.

Clearly the lights are doing nothing for my immunity. Thus, after donating the bulk of my flashlights, lightbulbs, and reading lights to cavemen living in the dark ages, I called my mother to proclaim Dr. Phil’s inadequacy.

Well, it turns out, says my mother, that not just any light kills germs. (This would have been helpful knowledge before I spent my life savings on the flashlights.) It takes a special kind of light to kill germs. Ultraviolet (UV) Light destroys a microbe’s DNA and prevents it from reproducing.

Now I know what you’re thinking, how is this any more ethical than shining a light on a woman to prevent her from reproducing? Where are the microbe’s rights in this light? What if the microbe wants to reproduce? Is it really our place to render the microbe infertile, stealing its lifelong desire to reproduce and have a family?*

*For more on this important topic, please purchase a copy of my treatise: “The Ethics of Reproduction: An infertile Microbe tells her story.”

Regardless of the ethics, if you continue to find the idea of a germ light appealing, there are several options. The $500 Halo ST-UV is a vacuum with a built-in UV light that shines on the carpet. If your budget is a mite (mite, get it?) too tight, Hammacher Schlemmer offers a Wide-Coverage Germ-Eliminating Wand for a mere $100 which will destroy germs when held over an object at a distance of three inches for 20 seconds. And my personal favorite is the Hammacher Germ Killing Light Gun for $79.95 (see image below), not because it is the most reasonably-priced, but because it looks just like a tricorder from Star Trek: The Next Generation, so I think it might double as a probe for intelligent life on nearby planets.

germ-killing light

*Remember, UV lights do not replace the general sanitary practices of handwashing. You should still wash your hands at least twice a month even when equipped with the germ-killing UV light technology.

–Troi out

2 Responses

  1. Theron Says:

    Your writing makes me smile.

  2. Use Protection! | Trekkychick Says:

    […] UV Rays: Not Just for Skin Cancer Anymore!Don’t Sweat the Sharp StuffLove is Like a Box of CerealForever is a Long Time […]

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